Hi, Kelley I’m married to a very stable, kind man with whom I have never been in love. I love him as a dear friend but not romantically. We have a 7 year old son. My husband is in love with me and I know if I leave he is going to be devastated. Also I am very much worried about the effects of this on my son. I truly feel like I’m dying in this relationship. It’s like part of me is being shut down. I feel this overwhelming desire to be on my own but I’m afraid. I met someone awhile ago with whom I felt the most amazing connections–like we had known each other forever. Then we had a big falling out.. Any chance this person will ever come into my life again? Thanks, Carol.
Thank you for your kinds words, Carol! From time to time I am gifted with a vision of women who are trapped in gelatinous waters. They are not dead, but don’t know they can swim or get out of the water. The women just stay there like lovely terrifying water puppets. On rarer occasions, I observe a woman who can navigate those filmy waters with grace and ease. When I ask your guides for insight into you, I am shown that you swim through these waters very easily–it is your nature to. What stands out is that as you move through, you free an elderly woman from the muck and lift her to the shore. The woman is nonresponsive, and is clearly someone you are seeking to release from this state of not-really-being. On the shore, you build a pyre and burn her body. Then her soul is fully released.
I ask your guide what this scene indicates, and he tells me of a vow (or some would say a curse) that has been passed down through the women in your family, to stay in unhappy marriages and generally unhappy life situations. You are aware of this vow on some level, and although you have elected not to perpetuate that mindset, you have not yet made the choice to actually change your lifestyle to support fully releasing it. Your guide says, “Through attempting to control her own heart, she has created a false sense of controlling his,” meaning your husband. You have hidden away your true feelings for so long that you don’t fully recognize the true feelings of others at the moment. In other words, placing the responsibility of action (to leave or not to leave) on the emotional state of your husband (possible devastation) is transference. It’s not taking responsibility to manifest your own free will. Believing that he will be unable to cope if you leave him is a way of keeping that vow alive using false logic. This man on some level knows you do not return his feelings. He has consented to remain with you somewhat due to his own insecurities, not wholly out of devoted love. The thing that is false in this means of control is that no one presents his or her Authentic Self; rather, both hide behind their Truth.
However you both managed to end up where you are standing in this very moment is no accident, but has been of your souls’ device. At this point it is paramount that you reconnect communication with your soul (if you haven’t already), and that you act in accordance with what She instructs. Literally, give your Soul and High Self and permission to do the work that must be done to allow you to live your Truth. Create the space for the work to happen, and act when you know you need to. You will know the right time. As you well know, the work is not going to be easy, but it will be a lot easier than being unhappy. And your husband probably will be beside himself for a while. Even breakups under the best of circumstances hurt madly for all involved. Trust that he can take care of himself, as can you. Part of living your truth is allowing him to live his, and trusting that the greater good is manifesting for All. As long as you walk in accordance with your soul’s guidance, you are manifesting the greater good.
Your son is more tuned into the suffering than you think he is. He will carry his worldly confusion about it all, but he still has close ties to his spiritual knowledge that all of you deserve happiness, however that comes into being. That spiritual guidance is what you must appeal to for yourself, and for him. Your leap of faith will be one of his greatest teachers in loving and being true to himself.
You do have a strong affinity to this other man. I see that with your soulwarrior nature and the healing you are embarking upon, you will attract many to you who share your path and spiritual resonance. There is much you have stuffed away, not just the realization that you need to leave this marriage. This man may well be among the many fascinating admirers who come into your life, but you are going to have so many choices along the way you may not care… I wish you the best, Carol. You are a bright star for whom it is time to shine. If you have not read “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I invite you to do so, quickly… Be well!