Dear Kelley, I am in a bit of a dilemma about love, life, and my identity right now. I feel as if my life is stuck in a program where I am doomed to repeat relationship patterns. My boyfriend of six years and I just recently decided to give each other some time and space. We have a daughter together and I feel like we are stuck in a rut unable to grow and mesh well with each other. I am not in love with him and we are so different. Sometimes it seems our only purpose is to antagonize each other. With my love dilemma, I met a man with whom I worked and we had a lot of fun laughing, working, and talking with each other. He revealed his attraction for me the day I met him but I didn’t follow him up. Also, I feel ungrounded, unable to give form to my creativity with art, and unable to make sense of what I truly need to do to get on the right path. Thank you. Sincerely, Cassandra Shannon
Thank you for your note, Cassandra. Initially, I am led to commend you for having the insight and constitution to know when a relationship needs to be over, and to make it so. You have very clear intuition on knowing what is right for you, what you need, and what you want. Give yourself the due validation of knowing that as complicated as things seem, having those few kernels of information puts you well ahead in the grander scheme. Your guides indicate to me that your heart is full of love. You have a natural affinity to the beautiful things in life-lots of Venus, feminine qualities, that are not being expressed. This facet of your nature coupled with feeling thrown into a very patriarchal system (paying bills, where to live, how to survive) creates a significant conflict for you. You will not be comfortable doing things in that patriarchal way.
A present aspect of you dressed in smart shoes and a business suit comes to me, and she is holding what looks like a thick bright blue glowing bangle in her cupped palms. It rests in her hands, yet hovers just above her skin at the same time.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” she asks.
“It is,” I reply. “What is it?” “My soul,” she says, filled with admiration. I admire it with her for a bit, then ask, “Do you often take it into your hands and hold it?”
“Yes. I really like it that way.”
I move behind her and situate the soul back into All of her. “How does it feel when your soul is all throughout you?”
“Completely powerless,” she replies, somewhat deadpan, as she turns to face me.
This is where the breakdown between your love of beauty and the denser qualities of day-to-day life clash. You do not feel that you can engage in the stringent duties of providing for yourself and your daughter from a soulful place. Part of you subscribes to the idea that it HAS to be hard, that it HAS to be a stretch beyond what feels comfortable and confident to you. The moving and shaking you have to do right now may feel uncomfortable, but not because it is stacked against you. It’s uncomfortable only because you don’t see yourself as powerful as you really are. Part of you does not believe that you can approach the Universe from your human vantage point on this planet and remain a beautiful light soul who can both affect the system with her wisdom and love, all the while paying the bills, and still be a tool for raising yourself and those around you to a higher, more lovely existence. You don’t really want to climb corporate ladders or wear smart shoes. So stop putting your energy in the fear that you are or have missed out on something there. Your solutions and ability are far more artful and creative than that. Your means of expressing yourself and being employed are going to be off the beaten path, and that is where you are going to have to look to find them. Certainly you can take classes in your interests here and there, but it doesn’t have to be a degree program to give you the knowledge to improve your skills and your self-image. You revere your soul for the awesome entity that it is, yet you do not feel you can bring that life force through into your mundane. There is a sense that you will tarnish your soul if you did, as well as the knowledge that you are intentionally not acting on all of your power.
When I ask that aspect of you what happened that made her feel she cannot honor her soul on this planet I have a glimpse that the last time she did was in the killing times, when the mystical powers of women were punished by death. More specifically, when the Divine Feminine was being distanced from us. It’s totally understandable, and not uncommon. She cries as she tells me that Before, she was a wizard (I think literally) at working with flowers. She has a deep connection with not only their aesthetic qualities, but of the healing qualities their presence and consumption brings. If you are unfamiliar with Bach Flower Essences, I highly recommend doing a bit of research into them and see if it jars something for you-not just in terms of remembering healing skills that you have to share with the world, but as a possibility to see if they could help you through this transitory time in your life. This aspect of you responded to the threat of living her Truth by energetically withholding it from this realm, although she herself chose to continue returning to it.
You are no longer satisfied with this “soulless” pattern. For you to be happy in relationships, with your work in this realm (both career and personal), you have to approach everything you do from the light of your soul. I have the sense this is no newsflash for you, and that you have an idea of what this means in literal corners of your life. On a very simplistic level, begin by honoring the beauty you have in and around you. Do small lavish things, like honoring nature and your connection to water. You need to be in and around water. It balances you and makes you feel comforted. These things seem like intrusions on a busy schedule or a stressed mind, but they are exactly what you need. Your daughter also shares many of your qualities of artistry and love of beauty. She is a semi-conductor of energy with a blatant disregard of the status quo, though she is dealing with her own karma of remembering that Truth. She can teach you a lot in that regard. As well, your claiming of your own soul will enable her to do the same as she grows up in this culture. Truly address that you have been making decisions and choices based out of fear and not out of your Truth, and the sources of the fear will diminish. Call your soul home, and mean it. Provide a clear sunny space in you for her dwell, and she will take care of the rest. The bills will be paid. Home emerges strong and stable. Relationships that sustain and encourage your soul’s growth prevail. Your agreements with yourself and the Universe demand nothing less. This seemingly crazy transition phase is the turn around you have asked for. The empowerment it brings is what you are capable of. Welcome back.