Kelley, I’m at a crossroads. Do I leave my role as a nun and go back to laylife, or stay in the robes going it alone, or continue to stay in this monastery? Thanks, Isabella.
Thanks for your note, Isabella. The overarching impression that I have is you are craving an experience of the Divine that is not above you, but includes you. This need feels like a departure from the cosmology that is presented in your current dwelling, a shift that has contributed to your unrest in that space. I applaud you for realizing that you need a change, and that you are willing to do what you need to feel balanced in yourself. You are very connected into All Things and are at peace with that spiritual bond. You want more expression of it and a way to experience it that puts you in new spaces, new energy, new movement. “Movement” is the keyword. Your life force is very healthy and thriving, but it’s very close to your body. This state is neither good nor bad. When we need to be insular, we hold our life force close. When we need to connect and share, we expand it outward. Where you have been living has required you to keep your life force close as a means of connecting with the Divine. You have mastered relating to the Divine in this way. You are ready to extend your life force into new experiences and spaces, and to find Divinity in new ways. For you to meet this need you must gradually extend your life force out, as well as physically relocate.
My overall feeling is that you have gone as far as you can in personal and spiritual development at this monastery. Staying there past this point will dull the gifts you bring it. Whether you remain in robes or completely step away from the identity you have created as a nun is your choice. Your thirst for knowledge and connecting with the Divine in everything is leading you into the world in a new way, and tells me that you will never be a layman at anything you do.
Be well, Isabella.