Habit of Sacrifice

Dear Kelley, My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. We have 2 children — M and L, ages 3 and 21 months. My husband is in the National Guard and is scheduled to deploy to Iraq. He will be leading a combat unit of 12 soldiers working in a law enforcement/sniper unit being assembled now. I have very vivid dreams. I dreamt that I saw him being killed along with several other American soldiers and Iraqi soldiers. I had the dream before I knew he was being deployed. What is also bad is that he and I are struggling to stay together. The “divorce” word has surfaced several times, but we don’t want to pursue it before he deploys. After our latest discussion of divorce, I dreamed that 1000 white horses were running out of white trees with green leaves. I felt very clearly that I would be free. But I don’t know at what cost. My questions are:

* Will D be killed in Iraq?
* Will D and I divorce?
* Will my husband have a good relationship with our boys?
* Will our children lead happy lives?
* Will I ever be happy?

Thanks, Julie

Thank you for your note, Julie. Indeed, there is a lot going on energetically for you. You feel incredibly weighed down by responsibility, and that you have sacrificed your happiness for little in return. The reality is, that is exactly what’s happened. You have gotten into the habit of giving up bits of yourself here and there for so long that you have very little left for, or OF yourself. Sacrifice often seems romantic, especially when we’re young. Men and women in their own way are socialized to expect certain levels of sacrifice in relationships. Even among enlightened people many feel sacrifice is necessary. It rarely is, though. Where compromise is a willed even exchange of power, and an agreement to foster growth in yourself and your partner, sacrifice is a willed loss of power. In all of time, there have been very few instances where sacrifice was truly warranted. You do not have to carry the lineage of sacrifice anymore.

Years ago I read in a popular poll that the number one fantasy of married women was that their husband’s die. NOT that they wished their husbands to die, NOT that they had ill will or were planning their demise… The emphasis of the fantasy was on having a perceived clean break, to be able to start over without guilt or baggage of any kind. The more I have explored this with women in my sphere, the need for that trapdoor way out of relationships holds quite true. Traditionally, women have often been hostage in their own marriages, emotionally, financially, or otherwise. I bring this up to you because although your fear of your husband’s death in Iraq is real, your personal desperation on the home front is more pressing. I do not have a sense that his death will be there, or that it won’t. I do not have access to that information as it should be at this time. What your guides are telling me is that you have to have the courage and self respect to make the choices you know you need to for yourself, which means to make them in spite of the unknown. This part of your life is not about what will or will not happen to your husband, but about what level of creative control you are willing to have over your life.

It concerns me that you do not feel your children will lead happy lives. The reality is, the likelihood that they will is very small if their parents don’t. This you can change. This you have control over. Your husband may not be able to do that, but you can. You can not make him; that is his choice and part of what his ego must work out with his soul in this lifetime. I have a very strong sense that your children are teaching him about this inner conflict on some level, even if he does not remain an active part of their lives. In its own way, that is ok. Within healthy reason, let him interact as he will with them. Forcing him to be “father” may actually make things worse. While that distance from him will create karma for all of you to deal with, the significance must be on balancing it, and not recreating it by making demands on your husband that he genuinely at this point in his life is just not up to fulfilling.. There is definitely a block in him around family roles. The thing is, you and the children can balance your karmic ties to what your husband is dealing with, such that you give back to him what is his to deal with and not take it on yourself any further. I’m not suggesting that you not be angry or not express your feelings about his conduct, but that you find the way to flow with it, rather than against it. Realize the point that he cannot hear you, and that you redirect that energy in a way that helps YOU. That will help your stress level and your children more than anything. They are still young enough that they have not forgotten their spiritual natures. Help them hold it. You can learn a lot about how to honor your own from just observing them. They have come into your life intentionally. They CHOSE you. Honor their excellent choice by giving yourself the care and happiness that you need, they will do the same for themselves.

Please seek out the supports you need in making the changes in your life right now. Whatever counseling or legal advice you need, get those supports in place so that you can release stress. If you know energy workers, that type of release is priceless. I know that your nerves are quite frazzled right now, and it is paramount that you reach into your community or family for support. This gesture is going to give not just you, but your children also, more support. I see that there is a network for you to access, but you must make the opening for it to come. Along with that habit of sacrifice, you have developed the habit of not allowing others to be close to you. This distance is a way of recreating the cycle of sacrifice. In short, it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You no longer have to make choices in your life based on fear. You are powerful, and you have powerful spiritual allies. At least two of them are living in your own home. As with every spiritual undertaking, find the means that you communicate with your soul. When you act, speak and live fully in what your soul needs, you have the foundation to create change based in wellbeing and balance. You truly do have everything you need to make the transition to freedom. You are deeply intuitive and aware. Manifest that awareness in positive change. That is the only step you are not taking. My thoughts are with you and your family, Julie.

Career and Life Direction

Dear Kelley,I left a comfortable job with the government service and stepped into commercial sector thinking that I will make it. However, it’s been 3 years, and it seems that I have moved from bad to worse. I have learned a lot and gotten what I want in terms of experience and exposure. More often, whenever I am given a task, I know inside of me that I can do a fantastic job but I just couldn’t give the kind of output I thought I would like to. What is happening? Thanks in advance for your help and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Best regards, Tristen

Thank you for your note, Tristen. There has been a radical shift in the job market in almost every major industry over the last three years. You are far from alone in your feelings of concern and confusion. This transition has been difficult for many to hold, yet it has also refined for many their true paths, when without the bumps in the road, they would never have noticed the scenery around them. Your guides tell me first thing that you need to make part of your belief system that you are capable of knowing and conscientiously making your own path. What you are dealing with is not about a job, or the means by which you support yourself, so much as manifesting your natural abilities into what makes you whole. When you make that transition in thinking and awareness, you will also have manifest the path that supports you. We have a tendency to get locked into thoughts of paying the bills, putting food on the table, defining success in a particular skillset or career, meeting certain financial goals or providing an expected level of creature comforts… None of these things fill the void of not being connected to our path. Few people realize the need for the transition in focus to the soul, and try harder to fill the void with mundane trinkets. A quite modern convention of dealing with this has become believing that one’s job must in and of itself meet and maintain the desired lifestyle AND fulfill the soul. Even in that line of thinking, which is still very ego based, the emphasis is still on meeting the material needs, and very much not those of the soul. It must work in reverse, that when the needs of the soul are met, the mundane is secure.

When I ask what your life purpose is, I get a great deal of confirmation that it has to do with speaking, or teaching. Specifically, teaching others through your own ability to speak your truth, to speak their own. You are a wonderful orator, but this ability has been honed around speaking the truths of others, not your own. In other words, teaching the concepts of others, delivering a message based in a construct not of your own devise, has been the arena in which you displayed these skills. As a result, the skills have reached a point at which they can no longer develop. This is the place you reference in not getting the output you wanted from your efforts. Your efforts are being directed externally, and not internally. The way that these skills develop further is by speaking your own truth. When you speak your truth, you empower not only the words you are saying, the concepts you are expressing, but yourself and those who hear them. It is a rich process of co-creation and manifestation, fostering the same in all who hear you. You also build your own esteem.

Your guides also indicate that you know what your truth is, you just haven’t expressed it, and it has never occurred to you that this omission is affecting your “professional” life. I highly encourage you to begin exercising this ability further by speaking whatever your truth is about the topic at hand. Even if you are only saying it to the mirror, make it a daily ritual to get up in the morning, and first thing say something true to yourself. Create this habit. This practice alone will hone your intuitive abilities exponentially. Practice speaking your truth in the company of others, even if it’s only about food items, or the way your current project is going. You will learn quickly who wants to hear your truth, and who doesn’t, how to deliver it without prejudice, ego, or defense. And as with all authentic action, you will attract those who share your truth, and can help you not only develop all of your skills further, but to expand your truth, itself. You will realize how delicate and precious truth is, also how subjective and ever-shifting. The more you practice this skill of speaking with authenticity the more avenues are going to unfold for you professionally, to the extent that part of your path IS sharing your truth with others on a regular basis.

Value your own worth, your own spiritual insights. If you feel that you have not cultivated your feelings enough to articulate them, do some reading, and especially some soul searching. Learn methods of communicating with your soul. Create that rapport so that you refine this life purpose to utter clarity, so that you can share it. What you have to share is much needed in this world. I look forward to listening. Be well, Tristen!