You Don’t Call, You Don’t Write… The Quiet Dead

Posted by on 8 Jun 2011 in Q&A | 7 comments

As psychopomp is a critical role of my personal and professional shamanic path, I’m often approached by those who want me to communicate with deceased loved ones. In some cases a different scenario arises and I’m asked, “Why doesn’t my deceased loved one visit me?”

My immediate response is, “How do know your loved one doesn’t?” There is an assumption that because we are emotionally close to a deceased loved one that we are open to and will recognize a visit from that dear soul. It’s an understandable assumption, as our culture generally sensationalizes and romanticizes interactions with the deceased. In reality, it is often because we are so emotionally involved with the deceased that we don’t or can’t perceive their presence. Sometimes when loved ones are still actively grieving loss, they are too distracted to observe spiritual activity. In their haze, they miss subtle messages that a trained intuitive would intercept, or they are holding out for a grand entrance when a gentle presence is right in front of them. Consequently, sometimes when the deceased sense that their loved ones are not moving on, they do not visit them on purpose. The inability of living or deceased loved ones to accept death causes all involved to stagnate. Often the dead realize that their presence may only encourage the living loved one’s grief instead of soothe it.

Emotional involvement isn’t the only impediment to visitation from beyond the grave. Whether due to fear of the paranormal or the exclusion of such a possibility due to religious path or life view, these can be long-held beliefs that prevent spirit interaction. Often people haven’t really considered the possibility of interacting with a spirit until someone they love dies. Again, in that dynamic lies an assumption that the emotional bond will in and of itself reveal an active connection beyond the veil, and in this case trump institutionalized beliefs. I know it is entirely possible for someone who does not believe in spirits to have a spontaneous change of heart. However, in these cases there is still more than an emotional bond at work. Our consciousness is organized into beliefs and personal truths so that we can make sense of data coming in. At any point that we choose, we can change our beliefs, thus change the organization of our consciousness. In the case of those who prior eschewed spiritual possibilities let alone contact, it’s not likely that their beliefs will spontaneously reorganize to suddenly allow the perception of a visitation from a deceased loved one. If you fear spirits or have rigid beliefs that oppose paranormal life, the likelihood of experiencing such after the death of a loved one is slim. It is possible, though not probable. Naysayers who do experience unexpected spiritual interaction have generally gone through a rampant restructuring of their beliefs.

Another reason that the dead don’t visit is simply because they have no need to. They’re happy. They’re peaceful and they have genuinely grown beyond the concerns of the formed realm. It doesn’t mean they don’t love us or have abandoned us. It doesn’t mean you will never see them again. In fact, most of us repeat experiences of ourselves with the same groups of souls. It just means they’ve moved on to the next point of their destiny.

So what’s the magickal combination? Why do other people have full-on conversations with your deceased loved ones when you don’t seem able to? Remember that people who work with spirits likely demonstrated some innate ability to do so early on in life and/or had a life-changing experience that opened them to their ability, and have dedicated their lives to the skills and boundaries of that work. It’s not random or trivial. They devoted themselves to learning to read the signals and communication of spirits in subtle and profound ways. Moreover, they do so without an emotional charge. They are not emotionally involved with their work, and that enables them to stretch the limits of their ability. To people who interact with spirits doing so no different than interacting with the living. Venturing into the realm of the dead is as common place as walking into a crowded restaurant. In short, it’s not a big deal to them. They will it so, and so it is. Through that accomplishment, it’s always a miracle.

The thing is, there isn’t anything special about people who experience spirits and those who don’t. The only difference between those who do and those who don’t is willingness and the taming of cultural domestication to see life in a fuller, less prescribed way. If you are curious about how to interact with spirits, connect with a trusted professional who can mentor you in doing so. If you’re not but still want to interact with deceased loved ones, find someone who can do so and know that your bond is as intact as ever across the veil and it’s a blessing to have such. Moreover, find etheric ways to deepen your relationship to your loved ones now, and the opening for that greater interaction will always be there.


  1. Interesting article and appropriate for the Samhain season. Thank you!

  2. Great post, Kelley! I often wonder why sometimes I see spirits and other times I don’t…so listening to you talk about it so easily and with such an assured confidence was welcome comfort, all of it making sense to me. I will say that when I am at peace, in the flow of my heart, feeling the most connected to my deeper Self…. the doorways seem to open the widest.

    I found you on the blog hop…so happy I did:)

    • Hi Brynne! Great to meet you, as well! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

  3. I found your blog through the She Writes blog hop, and I’ve really enjoyed reading your entries. This one in particular is very interesting, I have a friend who is currently attending a spiritual church with her family, trying to communicate with a relative who recently passed away. So far they’ve had no success, which they’ve found frustrating, so I’ll pass this article on to them – hopefully it might help them understand somewhat!

    • Thanks for your comment, Julie. I wish your friend the best. Thanks for passing this article on!

  4. Thanks for your comment, Linny! I think children are more open to spiritual possibilities, too. They just don’t have the emotional or fear involvement that adults do. I hope all is well with you!

  5. This was more than I expected when I thought I’d drop by for a visit. But very interesting nonetheless. I’m one of those people who do believe in spirits, and I’m fortunate not to have lost a loved one, so at this stage, I have no desire to be visited (looking around dark room I sit in and going over to turn on the light). That said, I believe that children are more sensitive to such things because they do see the world in a ‘less prescribed way’. I remember a visit as a child that stays with me, it was not unpleasant though…but I best not describe it, else I scare myself since I’m easily frightened! :-)

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