Unspoken Expectations – Falling in Love All Over Again, and Again…
Kelley, after a long struggle the man I’ve been always attached to finally made the big step – he left his family and we are now officially a couple. I am now worried that he will treat me as he did his ex-wife. He is very flirty and needs lots of attention. I have started being jealous, something I never was before. What shall I do? He says I am his love and that he will spend the rest of his life with me. Can I trust him? Does he really love me? He is a Capricorn and I am an Aquarius. Many thanks from good old Europe. -MM.
Thank you for your note, MM. My feeling about this relationship is that you had doubts regarding his fidelity before he left his family to be with you. Your hunch was spot-on. This man loves you. He’s a good guy. He is as committed to you as he can be, but I don’t feel that he’s wired for monogamy. I don’t know if that encompasses emotional or physical monogamy–they are not necessarily the same thing. Some people aren’t wired for one, the other, or both, and that fact doesn’t negate that they can be deeply in love and maintain committed relationships. In fact, my feeling is that he very much loves the security of a relationship, despite his need to always feel that he is continually falling in love. In the polyamory community that is called NRE – New Relationship Energy. I am doing this Reading for you, so beyond that one observation of him I can’t comment on his intuitive motivations. From a matter-of-fact standpoint, I can tell you that some people thrive on that early stage of a relationship and constantly seek to start over to sustain that feeling. Where he falls on that spectrum I don’t know, but it is something for you to consider.
That you are both energetically different is highly relevant. You are group oriented, in that you enjoy a sense of moving and combining with another or other energies to some common outcome. You see this as a point of bonding and a way for individual life force to remain unique yet join forces with a greater energy pool. He has the same overall need for collective interaction, but where you see yourself merging with a life force that becomes bigger and bigger, he sees himself as a hub that moves between different energy pools. I can see how that important yet subtle distinction may be lost among what are otherwise compatible attributes.Again, I can’t read him. I can’t tell you if he is trustworthy because I don’t know your definition of trust. This is the point at which your dialogue with him has to shift from, “Can I trust you?” to “What is your definition of commitment?” From “Are you attracted to that other woman?” to “What parameters can we agree upon are appropriate for expressing attraction to another person?” These often seem like questions that have assumed, if not intuitive answers, but they don’t. We don’t all have the same definition of ‘commitment’, or ‘flirting’, or ‘appropriate behaviour.’ In the majority of relationships these are the very questions that were not asked until someone had already been hurt. I highly recommend reading Brad Blanton’s Radical Honesty – How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth. Blanton encourages you to tell the truth in expressing your needs, but also expresses how to deal healthily with a loved one who doesn’t. Do not let your expectations remain unspoken. You have to be willing to ask these and other questions on your heart, and convey to him that you want to hear the truth, not what he thinks you want to hear. Likewise, you have to be prepared to accept what he tells you as his truth, and be prepared to act in accordance with your own.
Be well, MM.