Tag: Star Child

A Sprite and a Bullseye

Real Wyrd - A Modern Shaman's Roots in the Middle World by S. Kelley Harrell

Read more spooky stories in “Real Wyrd – A Modern Shaman’s Roots in the Middle World,” my collection of true paranormal experiences as a lifelong intuitive.

Every year for Samhain I publish accounts of my more charged, and in some cases creepy, spiritual pursuits. The Dead Time is a treasured journey to Solstice, and as it is a time of untime, the shadowed season presents a great opportunity to tell the stories that many who do shamanic work won’t tell–the occasions when things don’t go well or the unseen presents itself unexpectedly. You may recognize some of these accounts from my previous stories, while others are more recent. Enjoy the solitude of the darkness, and know the light will soon warm!

One afternoon I went to return an item at a popular local retail store. Frankly I was in a really bad mood, annoyed that I was having to make the return as it was, but doubly perturbed as it was the end of my work day and the line was very long and not budging. I was extremely self-absorbed, my inner talk mostly consisting of complaints and expletives. I was oblivious to my surroundings, save the woman who was right in front of me. I couldn’t tell much about her, only that she hunched over the push bar of her shopping cart, a foot propped on its lower rung. I thought there was a little person in the cart as the woman was murmuring softly, and every few minutes a matchbox car would fly out of the general area of the cart. The woman would go retrieve the toy, and resume her slumped position. For whatever reason, I did not perceive there being anyone in the cart.

The process of retrieving the toy repeated a couple more times, but all I registered was how the line had not moved, I was tired, my feet hurt and I just wanted to go home. I could not have been more wrapped up in myself or my annoyance. We stood there a few more minutes, when I heard a little voice say, “Kelley…”

I froze. Understand I hear my name called out all the time clairaudiently. I registered immediately that this time it was not a spirit voice I’d picked up on my own frequency, but that there was very much an external speaker. Looking around me I saw no one I knew, certainly no one who would know my name. Then I felt this weird ripple through my energy and I leaned out to peer around the woman leaning on the cart. Indeed there was someone there. Peeking around the woman was one of the most beautiful little boys I’ve ever seen. He was maybe two years old and was looking right at me when he said with bubbling fae-like enthusiasm, “Kelley! Hi!” His smile was bright and huge, as was the light all around him. He truly was hard to look directly at for the glare of the brilliant glow around him. This kid was on a different channel, spiritually speaking, and I felt that about him immediately. The woman, who I presume was his mother, turned to me red-faced and speaking something I didn’t understand, clearly shushing the giggling child. What I heard her life force say loud and clear was that this was not the first time he has done this, and it embarrassed, if not frightened her. She hurriedly shushed him, but I could tell the little boy was mischievously aware of what he’d done and he wouldn’t be silenced.

I don’t know why, but my eyes started watering, and I said “Hi” back with a little wave. He giggled more and his mother nodded but did not make eye contact with me. She approached the counter as the line had finally moved. I stood shocked. I was completely gobsmacked, and keenly aware of my surroundings, though no one else in the line seemed to have registered a thing. Why would they? Planes of being had not shifted and opened up to them affirming that the link with All That Is is always at work, slicing incisively through foul moods in return lines. I found myself having an internal conversation with this little boy over the next few minutes, thanking him for letting me know he was there, that he cared enough about my mood to risk speaking to me in a very special way, and for showing me something very special about himself. I thanked Spirit for letting me know that not only are there more of us out there, all ages and varieties, but that we are living on multiple planes and have a very different experience, without shame or hesitation, even in Target.

Coming Out Starseed

Many of us are familiar with the phrase “Starseed,” meaning those creatures from other star systems who settled into the Earth realm with many of their etheric layers functioning at high levels not common to this plane. The original writings on such beings were linear, targeting specific timeframes for birth, particular skills and demeanors. Among my clients I have worked with many Starseeds and most certainly identify as one, myself. Through the years that I’ve grown as such and interacted with others, I’ve gained gratitude for that pioneering information, as well as realized just how limited and confining it was. The bounds of people who identify as not being from here are limitless. My hope for this edition of Intentional Insights is that it expands that concept a bit, open channels for other Starseeds to reach out, and reminds us all of our infinite greatness.

It’s not easy being the fringe of the fringe, and I say that from the depths of my freaky, non-conformist heart. I can’t tell you exactly when, I can’t tell you precisely where, but I can without hesitation tell you that as soon as I became aware of myself in this plane I knew I wasn’t from here. Where else could I be from? That’s not information readily available to a little girl growing up in 1970s rural North Carolina, or many other places at that time. We didn’t have the plethora of information on Starseeds, Indigo Children, Crystal Children, that we do now. That lack of tribe shaped my spiritual growth to this day, though I readily recognize that I would not be the mindful person that I am now without my life being exactly as it has been, and I’m at peace with that.

It seems mine is a quite common experience, with many variations. How do know Starseeds know they aren’t from here? Mostly, because Grandmother Earth never felt like home. Some people very much feel they are originally from this plane and move very well within its layers. Grandmother Earth is a complex creature, home to refugees from all corners of the Void, and a sister in a much bigger family system than we have dared explore. Starseeds have memories of some other place, some other family–some of which are the birth family, some of which they’ve never encountered here. Starseeds tend to be extremely intuitive and aware of that fact. Generally we are very impatient because we recall being able to manifest what we wanted with little or no effort either before we were in form, when we were in a different form, or when we were on Earth before. Yep, that’s what I said. I personally don’t buy into past lives, not because I don’t believe we don’t have many manifestations of ourselves, but because I don’t experience that those manifestations are limited by the concept of time (I wasn’t joking about being fringe of the fringe.). My soul growth and what I’ve seen in some others who identified other star systems as home includes a strata of this plane when it was new, when it was actively being created. We might call it the time of the Gods and Goddesses of our mythology, but even that feels limiting to me. No, I can’t say that I buy into the whole Atlantean/Lemurian thing, but I do without question know there have been many elevated manifestations of humanity that our science cannot or will not affirm. We didn’t just come in a singular era. Some of us return time and again, some of us just got here. In any form, Starseeds are manifestors, though generally frustrated unless or until we master the magick of the formed realm, of which therein lies the rub. We don’t tend to get along well with the formed realm. It’s heavy, it’s dense, restrictive. The result is that a lot of us have keen body issues, if not flat out self-destructive tendencies when it comes to the form. Most Starseeds have extremely active upper chakras and are aware of their transpersonal space (sometimes to the degree of what our society considers mental illness), but are equally lacking in their lower chakras. This energetic imbalance manifests in dissociation, being spacey, depression, and many other ways. Likewise, many Starseeds are highly empathic, can read life force, talk with spirits, but can’t give you directions to the drugstore around the corner. The formed realm can be very challenging for us to traverse, such that the rules don’t make sense. We arrive at our conclusions using a different logic, not better, not worse (though often amusing) that isn’t always easily communicated with language. That density challenge often leaves a lot of Starseeds wanting out of this plane. They perpetually feel this need to go home. Key to their success here lies not in skipping this strata, but in mastering it. We can’t get Out There without going through the center of Here. Remembering that we came here of choice is the first point of Earth grounding for many Starseeds. Experiencing the lush lifescape this plane has to offer was chosen for a reason. Honing the life purpose can be a great reminder of that plan. The Starseeds who function the highest here aren’t the ones whose crown chakras are open and their third eyes are beaming into higher planes. The ones who do really well are very grounded into Earth energy. They are comfortable in this foreign home. Their chakra systems and etheric forms are fluid throughout. They are very anchored into the magick that this realm teaches so that they can allow the stellar life force within them to connect with the cosmic life force in the planet, herself. After all, Source is our common ancestor.

From the first realization that I was having a different spiritual experience on Earth, I felt isolated by people and more at home with spirits. I really began to feel the disjoint in my existence here when I committed to a shamanic path. I gave my best to honoring the teachings of Earth shamanism, as it is so neatly packaged and readily offered in our modern cultural interpretation of shamanism. I talk with animals, plants, crystals, dead people, faeries, weather, structures inhabited by spirits, inanimate objects, the spiritual manifestations of physical and mental conditions, soul parts of the living… I’ve not done it all by any means, but I’ve given the all that I know a thorough exploration, and endeavor to do so still. I love it; I feel it. But there was something capping that experience for me. Something was missing, and all I needed to find what would complete that lack was to look up. Contemporary distillations of shamanism omit what the ancients and indigenous have always known–we are all stars, and as we Starseeds have reconnected with that wisdom, intergalactic life force must be honored in our spiritual paths. I wholly marvel that there are others far better gifted than myself in the magick of this realm. They are powerful healers, teachers, shapeshifters, empaths and liaisons to a beautifully primal spiritual tradition. I celebrate our earth shaman and animists as wildly as I rejoice my own heavenly homecoming. When I honored that facet of myself, when I allowed myself conceive that my spiritual community was largely not of this place, my shamanic path gave way to a ferociously vast terrain of All. I found my path of celestial shamanism. I looked upon it and it was good.

Hi, my name is Kelley, and I’m a Starseed.

~*~*~*~
Intentional Insights is a Q&A column inviting you to look inside yourself. If you have a question that you would like for me to address in my column regarding a brief Soul Reading or questions about spiritual healing and shamanism, please send them to me at Kelley at soulintentarts dot com, or contact me to schedule a full-length Soul Reading. Intentional Insights is a production of Soul Intent Arts. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

A Sprite and a Bullseye–Installment the First, Spooky Series

In celebration of my favorite time of the year, I’ve decided to take a departure from my regular column format for this month, instead electing each day to write out as many of my creepy ‘spirit visitor’ stories as time allows between now and Samhain. I started writing some of them down a few years ago with the idea of publishing them in a collection at some point. For now I just want to feed the veil. This first one isn’t exactly ‘bump in the night,’ but it creeped me out as much as affirmed. The afternoon in focus was mid-week, sometime in the Fall of 2003.

File:Bullseye1.pngOne afternoon I went to return an item at a popular local retail store. Frankly I was in a really bad mood, annoyed that I was having to make the return as it was, but doubly perturbed as it was the end of my work day and the line was very long and not budging. I was extremely self-absorbed, my inner talk mostly consisting of complaints and expletives. I was oblivious to my surroundings, save the woman who was right in front of me. I couldn’t tell much about her, only that she hunched over the push bar of her shopping cart, a foot propped on its lower rung. I thought there was a little person in the cart as the woman was murmuring softly, and every few minutes a matchbox car would fly out of the general area of the cart. The woman would go retrieve the toy, and resume her slumped position. For whatever reason, I did not perceive there being anyone in the cart.

The process of retrieving the toy repeated a couple more times, but all I registered was how the line had not moved, I was tired, my feet hurt and I just wanted to go home. I could not have been more wrapped up in myself or my annoyance. We stood there a few more minutes, when I heard a little voice say, “Kelley.”

I froze. Understand I hear my name called out all the time clairaudiently. I registered immediately that this time it was not a spirit voice I’d picked up on my own frequency, but that there was very much an external speaker. Looking around me I saw no one I knew, certainly no one who would know my name. Then I felt this weird ripple through my energy and I leaned out to peer around the woman leaning on the cart. Indeed there was someone there. Peeking around the woman was one of the most beautiful little boys I’ve ever seen. He was maybe two years old and was looking right at me when he said with bubbling fae-like enthusiasm, “Kelley! Hi!” His smile was bright and huge, as was the light all around him. He truly was hard to look directly at for the glare of the brilliant glow around him. This kid was on a different channel, spiritually speaking, and I felt that about him immediately. The woman, who I presume was his mother, turned to me red-faced and speaking something I didn’t understand, clearly shushing the giggling child. What I heard her life force say loud and clear was that this was not the first time he has done this, and it embarrassed, if not frightened her. She hurriedly shushed him, but I could tell the little boy was mischievously aware of what he’d done and he wouldn’t be silenced.

I don’t know why, but my eyes started watering, and I said, “Hi!” back with a little wave. He giggled more and his mother nodded but did not make eye contact with me. She approached the counter as the line had finally moved. I stood shocked. I was completely gobsmacked, and keenly aware of my surroundings, though no one else in the line seemed to have registered a thing. Why would they? Planes of being had not shifted and opened up to them affirming that the link with All That Is is always at work, slicing incisively through foul moods in return lines. I found myself having an internal conversation with this little boy over the next few minutes, thanking him for letting me know he was there, that he cared enough about my mood to risk speaking to me in a very special way, and for showing me something very special about himself. I thanked Spirit for letting me know that not only are there more of us out there, all ages and varieties, but that we are living on multiple planes and have a very different experience, without shame or hesitation, even in Target.

Education of a Deathwalker

Question:  Dear Kelley,
I have been very concerned over my son Ian. He has been troubled with symptoms of depression for about a year or more. He seems like a different boy and I am very worried. Can you give me some insight? I would really appreciate your help.
Sincerely, Elissa Ray

Thank you for your note, Elissa.  Initially meet an aspect of Ian sitting in a small dark pit where he is staring straight ahead.  I ask him what brings him to the pit and he says, “I don’t have to think.”
Although I don’t really expect an answer I ask, “What is it that you don’t want to think about?”  He stares ahead, nonresponsive.
I ask him if he will let me take him to another place that has a lot more color, but he doesn’t have to think and feels better.  Agreeably, he takes my hand and I lead him up to Spirit for healing.  As we near the Source Realm, he starts to cry.  He lets go of my hand and looks back at me but moves into Spirit space eagerly.
I ask his guides to lead me to a place that will feel comfortable to him when he is ready to talk with me.  After a few moments he returns with the gold-tinged souls of three older people (two women and one man) following closely behind him.  He seems to be very happy that they are with him, and they seem to be souls of the dead that he somehow knows.
I ask Ian what his depression is about and he replies, “I feel sad all the time.”  I ask him what the source of that sadness is and he does speak, but I feel very clearly that it is related to the death of someone significant to him.  This person is a teenager, but someone that Ian views as in his own age range, and the death of this young man was very distressful to him.  I do not have the impression that this young man was someone that Ian knew very well, but could likely be a soul that came to Ian after he had already died.  The significance of this teen seems to be that his death was Ian’s first brush with his own mortality and that of those he loves.
As we sit in this very uplifting space I ask Ian if he experiences death a lot, and he says that he does, and that it scares him to the point that he is afraid to live.  He is afraid everyone that he loves will die.  We talk about that for a bit, about how everything in form eventually moves out of that form to be formless, yet still exists.  Then we talk a bit about how he has had the opportunity to reunite with souls of those the dead that he has felt close to in this Higher space, and that he always has that availability.  He understands from this that he can revisit this space and those that he loves.
I ask him what he needs to feel a connection to his own ability to be in form or out of form, and a young man approaches us then.  It seems as though this is the soul of the young person for whom Ian has felt the most sadness, and Ian hugs the teen.  They talk privately for a while.  The young man looks over at me and smiles reassuringly, and after a bit Ian returns to sit by me and the three souls that are waiting.  Ian’s life force feels different to me now, more willing to flow and participate in life.  I ask him if he is ready to go back to Thinking Life now, and he says that he is.  I leave him in front of his house, where he walks gingerly inside.
I ask his guides what else I need to share with his mother about his close proximity to the dead, and one replies, “Ian is well protected.  He needs creative outlets—art—to express his feelings.  He is sensitive to the dead and the death realm and needs validation for his experiences with them.  When he hears them or sees them he needs to be able to tell his mother about them and receive acceptance of his abilities and perceptions.”
Ian is in possession of a very special ability as a communicator with the dead, and possibly  as a Deathwalker—one who leads the dead to shift out of form peacefully.  Some people refer to it as ‘midwifing the dead.’  As you can imagine, without a really healthy perspective on that shift, the reality of death can be very daunting, particularly to a young human.  It’s not something that many in our culture will admit to or have an operative framework for understanding, let alone be able to explain to someone else.  Being receptive to the plight of the dead can also take an incredible emotional toll when one can’t sift out one’s emotions from those of his or her formless visitors. Nonetheless it is a powerful ability that can also create an empowering depth of compassion and self-assuredness.  A book that may be of interest to you is Shamanic Guide to Death and Dying by Kristin Madden.
Be well, Elissa!

Shortsightedness and Seeing

Question: Kelley, My niece, Sarah, is 3 years old.  Right now, she’s suffering a sight problem and it doesn’t look good. Can you tell me if there’s any chance she’ll regain her sight?  Sad and in despair, Bob McKinley

Hi Bob.  Thanks for your note.  Upon calling in a spiritual aspect of Sarah and her guides, it is my understanding that she is choosing to experience the manifest world in a different way.  What that means is it is up to her whether she chooses to perceive this plane visually.  At this point in her life she is very pleased with her sensual understanding of how she both relates to and interprets the world around her.  I also see that the grief of the adults regarding her “condition” is impacting more her ability to interface with the world the way she is choosing than the fact that her choice is to do so without sight.  I see that on an energetic level she is incredibly visually gifted and in that has a much higher perception of how to interact with the spiritual Unseen world than most.  When I view her etheric form she is quite healthy and happy, and I see that she interacts with colors aurally.  That is, she hears colors.  She interprets the color patterns she sees through her third eye into sound, and in that ability nothing is absent from her experience here.  Sarah doesn’t just hear colors, she interacts with them.  We have long known that different colors travel at distinct speeds of light, and that these speeds also correspond to tones, specifically certain notes in musical scales.  It is this connection that underlies most of what we call ‘energy work.’  Sarah is naturally tuned into this color/tone connection in a way that most sighted humans can never completely learn.  She also seems to be able to perceive what color something is by touching it, not because she sees the color in any figurative way or knows what we say its name is, but because every color has a unique Unseen vibration and she is quite attuned to that field of energy.  Most children are very connected with the Unseen and they express that in ways such as invisible playmates or through information that they ‘could not have known’, often to the chagrin of their parents.  As children become learned in the denser lessons of Earth, they forget.  We forget.  The process of forgetting can be very traumatic for some children, as the crux of it is their truths are no longer validated (or tolerated) by the formed world around them.  Sarah is a bit different in that she has a direct relationship to this “between” space, and she does not have the clutter and confusion of perceiving an object’s form as being different from its Unseen manifestation to distract her.  Nonetheless, as she ages and has to become more independent, the outside world is going to demand that she be more tactile, herself.  It is going to feel very threatening to her to think she has to let that go to be productive here.

Sarah always has the choice to regain her sight, though I do not see her choosing to. She is content to be in that between space of interpreting the world a different way.  I also see that she has great artistic and energy medicine contributions to make to the world from working in that space.  The Hurdles for Sarah right now are not actually her own.  Rather, they are more centered around her parents releasing guilt and sympathy regarding her not being sighted and her parents expanding their understanding of how their daughter really is perceiving the world, which is very nonconventional.  There is some emotional release needed for them, as well as some ethereal education.  Sarah very much wants to please her parents, and if they show shortsightedness in their beliefs of Sarah and her perceptions, so will Sarah.  It will be an interesting challenge for the adults around her to foster her growth in that way, and help her develop this ability–which seems to bring her great peace.  Sarah’s ability to have that connection with things seems to be a grounding force for her, helping her to continue to feel good about being here.  It helps her to feel connected to All That Is.  Allowing Sarah to develop this ability is akin to any one of us developing our intuition, or learning a specific technique, such as Reiki or Animal Communication. As you well know, she can learn to be very externally productive despite not seeing, but cultivating this ability goes much further than that.  This ability it a natural part of her being and is key to her ability to thrive here.  She is not going to learn to develop her gift in a conventional setting.  This teacher will have to be sought out, and will come when Sarah is ready.

Sarah has some powerful animal spirits working with her right now–a giraffe, a crane and a plecostomus (yes, a plecostomus).  The giraffe gives her a higher vantage point to “look” over life, and I suspect this animal has been with her for a very long time.  She has a particular affinity to him.  The crane is bringing her stability, especially in situations in which it seems she has none.  This animal also seems to have a soothing maternal air about her, which I suspect is connected to Sarah’s own mothering of herself already.  The plecostomus operates as a personal janitor, taking in Sarah’s less than favorable feelings and reactions to life, giving her a place to vent them out.  He is very fond of her, though they do not seem to have been together long.  She may really respond to having stuffed animals of these near her.

Sarah is very fortunate to have loving adults around her, such as yourself, Bob.  She can be a profound teacher in your life and the others around her.  You have an angel in your midst.  Help her fly.

Be well, Bob!

Somnambulist Women in Gelatinous Waters

Hi, Kelley I’m married to a very stable, kind man with whom I have never been in love. I love him as a dear friend but not romantically. We have a 7 year old son. My husband is in love with me and I know if I leave he is going to be devastated. Also I am very much worried about the effects of this on my son. I truly feel like I’m dying in this relationship. It’s like part of me is being shut down. I feel this overwhelming desire to be on my own but I’m afraid. I met someone awhile ago with whom I felt the most amazing connections–like we had known each other forever. Then we had a big falling out.. Any chance this person will ever come into my life again? Thanks, Carol.

Thank you for your kinds words, Carol! From time to time I am gifted with a vision of women who are trapped in gelatinous waters. They are not dead, but don’t know they can swim or get out of the water. The women just stay there like lovely terrifying water puppets. On rarer occasions, I observe a woman who can navigate those filmy waters with grace and ease. When I ask your guides for insight into you, I am shown that you swim through these waters very easily–it is your nature to. What stands out is that as you move through, you free an elderly woman from the muck and lift her to the shore. The woman is nonresponsive, and is clearly someone you are seeking to release from this state of not-really-being. On the shore, you build a pyre and burn her body. Then her soul is fully released.

I ask your guide what this scene indicates, and he tells me of a vow (or some would say a curse) that has been passed down through the women in your family, to stay in unhappy marriages and generally unhappy life situations. You are aware of this vow on some level, and although you have elected not to perpetuate that mindset, you have not yet made the choice to actually change your lifestyle to support fully releasing it. Your guide says, “Through attempting to control her own heart, she has created a false sense of controlling his,” meaning your husband. You have hidden away your true feelings for so long that you don’t fully recognize the true feelings of others at the moment. In other words, placing the responsibility of action (to leave or not to leave) on the emotional state of your husband (possible devastation) is transference. It’s not taking responsibility to manifest your own free will. Believing that he will be unable to cope if you leave him is a way of keeping that vow alive using false logic. This man on some level knows you do not return his feelings. He has consented to remain with you somewhat due to his own insecurities, not wholly out of devoted love. The thing that is false in this means of control is that no one presents his or her Authentic Self; rather, both hide behind their Truth.

However you both managed to end up where you are standing in this very moment is no accident, but has been of your souls’ device. At this point it is paramount that you reconnect communication with your soul (if you haven’t already), and that you act in accordance with what She instructs. Literally, give your Soul and High Self and permission to do the work that must be done to allow you to live your Truth. Create the space for the work to happen, and act when you know you need to. You will know the right time. As you well know, the work is not going to be easy, but it will be a lot easier than being unhappy. And your husband probably will be beside himself for a while. Even breakups under the best of circumstances hurt madly for all involved. Trust that he can take care of himself, as can you. Part of living your truth is allowing him to live his, and trusting that the greater good is manifesting for All. As long as you walk in accordance with your soul’s guidance, you are manifesting the greater good.

Your son is more tuned into the suffering than you think he is. He will carry his worldly confusion about it all, but he still has close ties to his spiritual knowledge that all of you deserve happiness, however that comes into being. That spiritual guidance is what you must appeal to for yourself, and for him. Your leap of faith will be one of his greatest teachers in loving and being true to himself.

You do have a strong affinity to this other man. I see that with your soulwarrior nature and the healing you are embarking upon, you will attract many to you who share your path and spiritual resonance. There is much you have stuffed away, not just the realization that you need to leave this marriage. This man may well be among the many fascinating admirers who come into your life, but you are going to have so many choices along the way you may not care… I wish you the best, Carol. You are a bright star for whom it is time to shine. If you have not read “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I invite you to do so, quickly… Be well!

Spirit Visitors and a House Full of Intuitives

Life has always been a challenge for me. I am a single mom raising two boys. My oldest son is on the verge of flunking 7th grade. It seems that no matter how hard I try to be the glue that sticks us together I am never enough. I work full time and commute 3 hours a day, which doesn’t leave me much time for being a mom. My real dream is to stay at home but being single, that seems like a virtual impossibility. My parents have been taking care of my kids while I work all of these years. I feel my mother is on her way out and I need to be thinking of a plan to help my father and keep taking care of my kids somehow. Also, I recently had a Reiki Master say that someone was around me for a while that had died in the 40s, whom I believe was my Uncle Ben. My home has been a hot bed for paranormal activity and this uncle has been on my mind. This Reiki Master seemed to think that my Uncle Ben has contributed to some of the unexplained activity in my home. I am having a difficult time understanding why the surgence in paranormal activity and this sense that something horrible and lifechanging is going to happen. Please help… Running Scared

Running Scared, I can see why your stress level is so high–you have a lot going on in and around you. There are several things coming from your note that I wish to comment on. First, as I’m sure you have sensed, the level of stress under which you are living does make you more susceptible to intrusions of a spiritual nature. You are being pulled in so many directions at once, it’s hard to take the time to ground, which you definitely need to do. The more centered you are, the less likely it is that other influences affect your own life force. On that note, if your Reiki practitioner or someone who does shamanic work can help you clear out any spiritual attachments overburdening you right now, as well as in your home and possibly in your sons, go for it. Get all the support you can in clearing the space of unwanted “strings”, and have the energy worker bring positive forces into you and your home. Doing BOTH parts of that process are very important: clearing, then bringing in healing light forces. Once you have this foundation, make it a daily practice to honor it. Your intuitive world is going to open leaps and bounds!

Another factor here is that you are a sensitive person. Most people do not have the external experiences that you are describing, and definitely not the internal ones. You truly can’t just walk away from gifts like that. The Universe will keep tapping you on the shoulder with bumps in the night until you delve further in to your abilities and learn what they are and how they benefit us all. In your prayers, meditation, or personal method of honoring Self and All, ask for that opening and acceptance to occur in you, that your gifts manifest, and that the teachers come who can best help you know how to use them. There is a great emphasis on faith in this transition for you, and releasing your fear to embrace your power will be significant in this process.

Something else that strikes me here is that you are raising 2 very special children on your own. Particularly the eldest may be considered an Indigo Child, and your youngest is definitely in the age range of a Crystal Child. If you are not familiar with these terms, definitely do some research. Both of your children are exceptionally gifted, and this is in part why the eldest is not doing well in traditional school. It truly does not suit his spiritual resonance, and he is torn between wanting to perform well on this mundane level, and needing to feed his own soul’s growth. For now he feels these two worlds as if in conflict with each other, posing a significant challenge to his soul’s growth.

Something else to keep in mind is that the energy on this planet is shifting. We are quickly moving toward a new consciousness on this planet, and the discomfort you are feeling about your life now is a reflection of that. You are being called to grow. This is the time to truly create the space to give thanks for the wonderful things in your life. It is from that same space that the things you perceive yourself as not having will emerge. You have three incredibly powerful and sensitive people living under one roof, that are each in their own way going through this same shift. You are all sensitives being called to do some kind of higher consciousness work, and trying to find your way with that. It will not be an easy shift, but it will be the one that brings you the peace you are seeking, as well as the answers. Be well!

Habit of Sacrifice

Dear Kelley, My husband and I have been married almost 5 years. We have 2 children — M and L, ages 3 and 21 months. My husband is in the National Guard and is scheduled to deploy to Iraq. He will be leading a combat unit of 12 soldiers working in a law enforcement/sniper unit being assembled now. I have very vivid dreams. I dreamt that I saw him being killed along with several other American soldiers and Iraqi soldiers. I had the dream before I knew he was being deployed. What is also bad is that he and I are struggling to stay together. The “divorce” word has surfaced several times, but we don’t want to pursue it before he deploys. After our latest discussion of divorce, I dreamed that 1000 white horses were running out of white trees with green leaves. I felt very clearly that I would be free. But I don’t know at what cost. My questions are:

* Will D be killed in Iraq?
* Will D and I divorce?
* Will my husband have a good relationship with our boys?
* Will our children lead happy lives?
* Will I ever be happy?

Thanks, Julie

Thank you for your note, Julie. Indeed, there is a lot going on energetically for you. You feel incredibly weighed down by responsibility, and that you have sacrificed your happiness for little in return. The reality is, that is exactly what’s happened. You have gotten into the habit of giving up bits of yourself here and there for so long that you have very little left for, or OF yourself. Sacrifice often seems romantic, especially when we’re young. Men and women in their own way are socialized to expect certain levels of sacrifice in relationships. Even among enlightened people many feel sacrifice is necessary. It rarely is, though. Where compromise is a willed even exchange of power, and an agreement to foster growth in yourself and your partner, sacrifice is a willed loss of power. In all of time, there have been very few instances where sacrifice was truly warranted. You do not have to carry the lineage of sacrifice anymore.

Years ago I read in a popular poll that the number one fantasy of married women was that their husband’s die. NOT that they wished their husbands to die, NOT that they had ill will or were planning their demise… The emphasis of the fantasy was on having a perceived clean break, to be able to start over without guilt or baggage of any kind. The more I have explored this with women in my sphere, the need for that trapdoor way out of relationships holds quite true. Traditionally, women have often been hostage in their own marriages, emotionally, financially, or otherwise. I bring this up to you because although your fear of your husband’s death in Iraq is real, your personal desperation on the home front is more pressing. I do not have a sense that his death will be there, or that it won’t. I do not have access to that information as it should be at this time. What your guides are telling me is that you have to have the courage and self respect to make the choices you know you need to for yourself, which means to make them in spite of the unknown. This part of your life is not about what will or will not happen to your husband, but about what level of creative control you are willing to have over your life.

It concerns me that you do not feel your children will lead happy lives. The reality is, the likelihood that they will is very small if their parents don’t. This you can change. This you have control over. Your husband may not be able to do that, but you can. You can not make him; that is his choice and part of what his ego must work out with his soul in this lifetime. I have a very strong sense that your children are teaching him about this inner conflict on some level, even if he does not remain an active part of their lives. In its own way, that is ok. Within healthy reason, let him interact as he will with them. Forcing him to be “father” may actually make things worse. While that distance from him will create karma for all of you to deal with, the significance must be on balancing it, and not recreating it by making demands on your husband that he genuinely at this point in his life is just not up to fulfilling.. There is definitely a block in him around family roles. The thing is, you and the children can balance your karmic ties to what your husband is dealing with, such that you give back to him what is his to deal with and not take it on yourself any further. I’m not suggesting that you not be angry or not express your feelings about his conduct, but that you find the way to flow with it, rather than against it. Realize the point that he cannot hear you, and that you redirect that energy in a way that helps YOU. That will help your stress level and your children more than anything. They are still young enough that they have not forgotten their spiritual natures. Help them hold it. You can learn a lot about how to honor your own from just observing them. They have come into your life intentionally. They CHOSE you. Honor their excellent choice by giving yourself the care and happiness that you need, they will do the same for themselves.

Please seek out the supports you need in making the changes in your life right now. Whatever counseling or legal advice you need, get those supports in place so that you can release stress. If you know energy workers, that type of release is priceless. I know that your nerves are quite frazzled right now, and it is paramount that you reach into your community or family for support. This gesture is going to give not just you, but your children also, more support. I see that there is a network for you to access, but you must make the opening for it to come. Along with that habit of sacrifice, you have developed the habit of not allowing others to be close to you. This distance is a way of recreating the cycle of sacrifice. In short, it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You no longer have to make choices in your life based on fear. You are powerful, and you have powerful spiritual allies. At least two of them are living in your own home. As with every spiritual undertaking, find the means that you communicate with your soul. When you act, speak and live fully in what your soul needs, you have the foundation to create change based in wellbeing and balance. You truly do have everything you need to make the transition to freedom. You are deeply intuitive and aware. Manifest that awareness in positive change. That is the only step you are not taking. My thoughts are with you and your family, Julie.