Tag: relationship

Unspoken Expectations – Falling in Love All Over Again, and Again…

Kelley, after a long struggle the man I’ve been always attached to finally made the big step – he left his family and we are now officially a couple. I am now worried that he will treat me as he did his ex-wife. He is very flirty and needs lots of attention. I have started being jealous, something I never was before. What shall I do? He says I am his love and that he will spend the rest of his life with me. Can I trust him? Does he really love me? He is a Capricorn and I am an Aquarius. Many thanks from good old Europe. -MM.

Thank you for your note, MM. My feeling about this relationship is that you had doubts regarding his fidelity before he left his family to be with you. Your hunch was spot-on. This man loves you. He’s a good guy. He is as committed to you as he can be, but I don’t feel that he’s wired for monogamy. I don’t know if that encompasses emotional or physical monogamy–they are not necessarily the same thing. Some people aren’t wired for one, the other, or both, and that fact doesn’t negate that they can be deeply in love and maintain committed relationships. In fact, my feeling is that he very much loves the security of a relationship, despite his need to always feel that he is continually falling in love. In the polyamory community that is called NRE – New Relationship Energy. I am doing this Reading for you, so beyond that one observation of him I can’t comment on his intuitive motivations. From a matter-of-fact standpoint, I can tell you that some people thrive on that early stage of a relationship and constantly seek to start over to sustain that feeling. Where he falls on that spectrum I don’t know, but it is something for you to consider.

That you are both energetically different is highly relevant. You are group oriented, in that you enjoy a sense of moving and combining with another or other energies to some common outcome. You see this as a point of bonding and a way for individual life force to remain unique yet join forces with a greater energy pool. He has the same overall need for collective interaction, but where you see yourself merging with a life force that becomes bigger and bigger, he sees himself as a hub that moves between different energy pools. I can see how that important yet subtle distinction may be lost among what are otherwise compatible attributes.

Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton

Again, I can’t read him. I can’t tell you if he is trustworthy because I don’t know your definition of trust. This is the point at which your dialogue with him has to shift from, “Can I trust you?” to “What is your definition of commitment?” From “Are you attracted to that other woman?” to “What parameters can we agree upon are appropriate for expressing attraction to another person?” These often seem like questions that have assumed, if not intuitive answers, but they don’t. We don’t all have the same definition of ‘commitment’, or ‘flirting’, or ‘appropriate behaviour.’ In the majority of relationships these are the very questions that were not asked until someone had already been hurt. I highly recommend reading Brad Blanton’s Radical Honesty – How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth. Blanton encourages you to tell the truth in expressing your needs, but also expresses how to deal healthily with a loved one who doesn’t. Do not let your expectations remain unspoken. You have to be willing to ask these and other questions on your heart, and convey to him that you want to hear the truth, not what he thinks you want to hear. Likewise, you have to be prepared to accept what he tells you as his truth, and be prepared to act in accordance with your own.

Be well, MM.

Renaissance Woman Meets the Age of Aquarius

Kelley, I am very impressed by your thoughtful and interesting answers to readers’ questions. I’ve done a lot of different kinds of spiritual work that has helped me tremendously with personal questions and dilemmas. My spiritual work utilizes meditation and guide(s), which is why I responded deeply to your insight. I have a nagging mystery that seems to have no clear answer or finality. My dilemma is the question of joining with a true soulmate or twin soul for a solid, long partnership. Until now folks seem to fall away or are not solid enough to form anything far-reaching, even though I felt they could be and I was ready. At this point in my life I feel ridiculous trying, so at least I’m not emotional about it. Am I to traverse this life as a solitary, without sharing in a beautiful, life-enriching partnership with a man? Or is my path to go fully into healing work and lead a celibate lifestyle? Thank-you for your insight. Shannon

Thanks for your praise and inquiry, Shannon. What I see straight away is that you are functioning at a very high level, etherically, though you’re not attracting potential lovers who are. Your chakra system and etheric field look great, but more than healthy, they are wide and strong. This is a good thing, frankly a rare thing to see. No doubt it is the result of your self-work and is supported by your strong personality and sense of self.

Taktshang Monastery, Bhutan

Taktshang Monastery, Bhutan

You hit it dead-on when you asked about a life of celibacy, in that a monastic way of living has been the way you have maintained your high level of functioning in other manifestations of yourself. Your lineage in the formed plane has most often been one of spiritual servitude, and to be able to consistently provide to your community, you set yourself apart. You formed intimate relationships, but not ones of a sexually bonded nature. One of the things that the Age of Aquarius ushers out is the correlation that higher consciousness requires isolation. In reality it probably is easier to focus on personal growth without the distraction of interpersonal relationships, and that choice is always available. However, moving from the Age of Pisces, we are leaving behind the notion of “I” and that only cultural elites are permitted the station of spiritual leader. Our communities, our life force, and our minds are not organized for divisive spirituality anymore, which is one reason the congregations of major religions are diminishing. Now it is our charge not only to move beyond the emphasis of spiritual awareness for self growth, but that we do so amongst each other. We can no longer cloister our the pursuit of personal truths behind silent walls, or cloak our bodies to separate and hide the deeply spiritual sensuality of our physical temples. We can no longer save humanity sitting at the elevated vantage point on the top of the hill. We must walk with each other. We are whole packages now, and that’s how we must live.

What does this have to do with you finding Mr. Soul Complement? Everything. You have a legacy of separating in order to maintain the level of etheric balance you have achieved. You no longer want to separate, and in fact deeply yearn to bond. Rest assured there is no tradeoff. You do not have to give up your balance to acquire a soul love. All you have needed is to make the connection that you have carried into this manifestation the pattern that in the past you had to choose. In your spiritual work now, allow your Nature. All That You Are knows what you need, and now you need a spiritual complement. Infuse the statement, “I allow my Nature,” behind everything you do. If you feel led to do releasing work around the pattern of having to choose, do so. My feeling is that just reading this and making that connection will release the pattern. The new mantra will adjust your life force as it needs, to attract what will be right and endearing for you.

Be with and be well, Shannon.

Mothering Twins, Healing the Self

Kelley, I’m a single mom of six-year-old twin girls, whom I adore. Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with single motherhood. Their father is minimally involved, emotionally and financially. I’m feeling the brunt of parenthood, which is especially difficult for me at the holidays. I am on a spiritual journey which is comforting but I also would like a life partner. I’ve dated since my divorce 3 years ago but the situations have all ended disastrously. Is there anything you can tell me as far as steps I can take to find romantic love? Is that in my future? Thanks so much! G

Thanks for your note, G. Having twins myself, I understand what kind of pressure you’ve been under, and I commend your hard work. Your daughters are nearing the age to take command of their spiritual wills. From infancy (and possibly, in utero, depending on when the soul decides to enter the form) until about the age of nine, parents are custodians of their children’s spiritual wellbeing. Ideally this means caretaking them not just physically, emotionally, and mentally, but also in how they manifest their souls into form, helping them stand in their power, to speak their truth, to connect with All Things, ect, so that as they emerge spiritually independent in the earth plane they go forward confidently, whole, and well. At six, your daughters know they are spiritual beings and are at the point of identifying themselves as individuals with unique life purposes and desires. You, particularly as a single mother of twins, expend a lot of your energy helping them accomplish these desires. You still hold much of their grounding for them and serve as their spiritual and energetic protector—and will for a few more years. This level of soul parenting takes a toll on your personal freedom, literally by forcing you to be more in your lower chakras.

Monument to the Single Mother by Elca Branman

My sense is that you are a fairly balanced person, elementally speaking. Some people are naturally more in their upper chakras, some in their lower ones, some strike a nice balance throughout. I don’t feel that you were upended by pregnancy and new motherhood by a radical energy shift in that way (women not used to being in their lower chakras are a bit shell-shocked from that alone, postpartum). What I see is that you have cared for two new little ones alone, and that has depleted you energetically. All women experience this depletion to some degree after every birth, just as all women are naturally more in their lower chakras the first few years of their children’s lives. The lower chakras are the earthly chakras. They make us very aware of our surroundings, of tactile senses, of the drive to protect, hunt, create space… as Nature intended. In other words, it’s the state of being exactly opposite that of seeking new soul love.

Ideally when we’re allowing a soul partner to enter, we’re in our best, most balanced shape, etherically, and on all levels. Realistically, we want such a partner, regardless of circumstance. Romantic love is available to you, G; however, other things need to come first. Your life force is discombobulated from all it’s been through and it’s not attracting the kind of partner you crave. Until you get a bit more energetic support for yourself, it can’t. At present, you attract suitors who resonate with the erratic energy of the last few years, and their behaviour toward you reflects that. You must address the fatigue that single motherhood has introduced to your life force, preferably through some form of chakra balancing or energy work. I don’t see any particular problematic area, just a general lethargy that needs revitalizing. You need this for yourself, but also, without standing in your power as fully as you can, your daughters won’t learn to, and you won’t attract your best match in a soul love. Take time to focus healing energy and work on yourself with a trusted practitioner, and consider it a reward well earned. The benefits will be a more empowered you, daughters modeling a dazzling female lead, and your pick of soulful equals in love.

Karmic Assumption and Choosing Lovers

After years of being dishonest with myself, I am finally trying to walk a spiritual path. I would like to know if I will overcome the self-destructive tendencies I have honed to perfection, and finally find a partner and wonderful father for my children. I am having the same relationship issues I had 14 years ago, and that is very frustrating to me. I find myself attracted to the “wrong” kind of men over and over… Thanks for your help, Lu.

Thanks for your note, Lu. In another manifestation of yourself, I see a pattern in which you assumed that men would hurt you before they actually did. The way you dealt with that possibility was to murder them before they could harm you. When I ask this manifestation of yourself her reasoning for dealing with men and potential problems with them in this way, she tells me that her father used to spank her before she did anything wrong, an effort to keep her aligned with making good choices. In both scenarios, there is an assumption of guilt and justice before there was a crime. On a spiritual level, there is a removal of free will and blindness to observing the present moment. This is a karmic pattern that you brought into this life. I ask this aspect of you if she would like to step out of this dynamic and go up for healing and she does, readily. Her ability to do so frees you of this dynamic in the present, leaving you free to make choices based on information in the present.

Balance, by Dreamstime

Balance, by Dreamstime

This pattern manifest in your present in a different way, though it still stemmed from a fear of being harmed by men. The pattern has been to assume that the men you meet are more well-adjusted, more balanced than they actually are. You have had a tendency to look for their absolute best, or you could say, look at their High Selves, instead of at the earthly beings that they really are. Some people would call this a valuable skill–and it is in certain context. Where it is not working in your favor is that you have banked on men being their High Selves, manifest. You have been so enamoured of their ideals that you haven’t been seeing them for who and what they truly are, which is regular people facing everyday struggles and choosing how to react. In a lot of cases they aren’t reacting the way you want them to, or with the potential you see in their High Selves.

On a spiritual level, that you see these varied levels of being is great. It means that you have the ability to see the highest aspects of anyone you choose–including yourself. On a more practical, mundane level, it means that you intentionally ignore signals telling you when someone is not acting in accordance with or even seeking to act in accordance with his highest ability. You have very clear indicators for when someone, something, or a situation isn’t supportive of you. Listen to them. There is no judgement in this fact, it merely is what it is. It takes a fine level of discernment to be able to hold the High Self of someone, and to see this person’s earthly self, and not to judge either. There is a difference between realizing that someone’s behaviour isn’t right, and realizing that it isn’t right for you. We are all where we are, and we can’t be anywhere else until we’re ready to move ourselves. This, of course, all complicates when emotions become involved.

The bottom line is that you are ignoring your own insight, your own signals telling you when someone isn’t the best match for you at this time. That habit stems directly from this other aspect of you having been taught to apply action before intuitively assessing the situation. It’s an imbalance of power. You have a perfectly finely tuned system for intuiting information and culling out what feels right or wrong for you. You are wise. This means that you don’t have to fall back on merely one level of input. You can feel longing for a longterm mate, observe the people around you, gauge your reaction to them at all levels, and honor when a connection isn’t fulfilling.

You can still look to the potential of the men who come into your life, but be honest with yourself about what you see in the whole picture. And remember, none of us act through the wisdom of our High Selves all the time. It’s our human nature to appeal to varying levels of awareness. What is telling is that we remember those various levels are there, and that we honor all of ourselves even if we can’t access it all the time. When we honor all of ourselves, we attract others doing the same.

Be well, Lu!

Karmic Freedom

Kelley, After 10 months of sadness and grief, I am finally able to start cutting ties with an old love. I’m currently not working and I have been working on developing my spirituality and gifts. Please advise what you see for me. Thank you, Shelley.

Thanks for writing, Shelley. Initially, I see you in a very fragile state. It’s very important to focus healing on yourself right now, in the form of affirmations–“The Universe loves me”–“My needs are met.” Upon taking the soul part of you that I see up for healing, my sense is that the relationship you are leaving was karmic. The hurtful dynamic you are leaving is one that you have played out with this person many times. The closure you are finally feeling indicates that you are done with it. You are currently experiencing a freedom that you haven’t in many manifestations of yourself. The other person is not finished; however, this doesn’t need to have bearing on you or your choices. Stand in your free will to realize that you have completed the cycle of karma with this person and do not need to go back. This person, though, is still struggling, and will be quite persuasive in seeking your attention. Do yourself the kindness of not looking back. There is no guilt in this. You’ve done the work. The other person has the opportunity to choose differently but does not. The path ahead is bright for you. It’s also relatively calm. In the next 6 months you will gain building stability and confidence, and the allure of this person won’t seem so attractive.

Still, take the time to heal. This present rawness is very important, very powerful. Allow yourself to feel grounded and well. Walk in Nature often, and allow that connection to reach you. You have a strong affinity to birds and an strata of Nature that is elevated above (literally) what most humans look up to see. So, too, allow your hopes and desires to elevate, as well. Healing is here for you.

Observation is Action

Kelley, My husband has PTSD and major clinical depression. I’ve been married to him for 15 years. It takes a lot of my energy just to live with him. Living without him would be hard, too, especially financially. What do I do? L

Thank you for your note, L. All signs point to observe. If he is not actively in therapy, it is appropriate for him to be. When I see his life force it is an enormous flame, which indicates to me that he is too active in his higher chakras (in his mind). He is in dire need of mental, emotional, and psychological soothing, and that is not something you can provide. You have tried, to the point of your own detriment. There is a myth in our culture that as life partners, we are and should be obligated to provide every ounce of support to our significant other. The reality is, that kind of fishbowl support burns out more relationships than it sustains. If that has been the case, it has to change. When a loved one is dealing with deep trauma, as he is, the insight and skill of a trained professional are required. No significant other can carry that load; no significant other should have to. For the balance to shift between you, both must see the value in finding an objective third person in whom he can confide, or you have to elect to make the changes in your life that you need for yourself. Sure, in relationships we weather the worst of each other. But we must also relish the best of each other, and that has not sustained your joining for some time. You cannot control him or direct him in self care. All you can do is make the suggestions. If he is already in therapy and not making progress, perhaps it’s time for a switch, or for you to start making plans independently of him. There are many styles of therapy, many approaches. It is time for him to do something, or to do something different; again, forcing him will do no good.

It’s also imperative for you to decide your reasons for staying in this relationship. If compassionate coexistence can no longer be honored by you, you are doing neither of you favors by staying together. If you are genuinely vested in staying, changes will be required on your part, as well. While his conditions have created friction in the relationship, the dynamic that has developed has been a joint endeavor. Be very honest with yourself about what you want from this relationship, and clearly discern if you are already finished. Sometimes it’s amazing what progress can be made from merely gathering more info.

Be well, L!

The Necessity of Honoring Spiritual Unity

Thanks for your help Kelley. Why do my husband and I have such a hard time together? Divorce is not an option. Thanks, L.

Thanks for your note, L. When I rise up into soul space and look down at how the two of you are energetically connected that life force is very thin and dim. That tells me that that neither of you has lived in spiritual recognition of each other. The marriage, roles of partners, etc., have been honored, but making the spiritual observation and connection to each other has gone without nurture. The relevance of soul relationship hasn’t been an emphasized aspect of your marriage, but it still can be. The connection is there. I realize that may be challenging to do after you have been with someone for a long time. It’s more challenging to allow yourself to see that person in a new light, to commit to yourself to allow your existing relationship to be the one you want. This bond can be fostered by giving it attention daily, if not more often. The same way that you hold up things in prayer, give energy to world peace, make daily affirmations, send Reiki to someone, or manifest personal goals must be the level that you reverence your soul bond with your husband. It has to become part of your regular way that you interact with your own soulful nature. I believe that it is perhaps a smoother transition to make when all parties involved are practicing this spiritual reverence together, particularly if you communicate about it, but both do not have to do it for positive change to occur. Exploring Tantric connection could be very useful, and it may be a more acceptable avenue for such work for your husband. One facet of this for you both is learning to voice your bond to each other, and not through rote “I love you,” or other passive gestures. Speaking your truth is critical to the success of any relationship. My sense is that the friction between you will abate radically when the soul bond is given some attention.

I realize that you are not seeking challenging transition, whether that is through divorce or in revitalizing your marriage. I also realize that you are not seeking change, though if you want things to change challenging transition is unavoidable. Even if you do not feel that you can give to your marriage on a spiritual level, it would be very beneficial to you to do some energy work to soothe your own sense of struggle and loss around that, and if you feel led, to work with a therapist in finding your voice.

I wish you the deepest, most soulful love.

Soul Twins, Soulmates, Twin Flames and Rigid Truth

“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness

The Post-Traumatic Stress of Maternal Awakening by S. Kelley HarrellI recently featured Chödrön’s quote as my Twitter update while I was penning a response to a client regarding soulmates. The two seemed so related that the quote is fitting to introduce this collective inquiry: What are soulmates and why do we seek them?

Most of us have been given some concept of soul connection by early childhood, a definition that sticks with us unless or until we explore the concept ourselves. When I first began working with others as a shaman a large number of my clients were dealing with some aspect of ‘soulmate,’ whether it was the search to find one or clarifying an existing relationship with a soul relation. The thing that I noticed most was how desperately many cling to the concept of ‘soulmate’ and to the people they believe to be such. I was curious about what led people to believe that soulmate = perfect union, that having a soul connection to someone would entail staying in a relationship that clearly did not meet needs. Equally, I was driven to understand the psychology that feels it’s useless unless it is in a recognizable soul union.

Examining how the concept of ‘soul relationship’ is put out there one quickly bumps into Edgar Cayce’s work around the topics of “soul twins” and “twin flames.” Having been widely interpreted, the perspective largely perpetuated through his readings is that there is one and only one perfect soul complement. In this view the soul is a dual-faceted entity that splits itself in two equal masculine and feminine life forces in order to bridge a wider terrain of experience and learning in the earth plane. These two come together in formed life to complete the Oversoul’s (or High Self’s) earthly work. I’m comfortable that Cayce knew things that I don’t, though within the framework of my experience is a truth that souls are limitless. Not only are they infinite, they are collectives spanning distance and time, perhaps even dimensions, doing acrobatic energetic feats, splitting into many manifestations and rejoining so cleverly we can’t begin to hold them in linear understanding. This is the beauty of our transpersonal. It isn’t just metaphor that we are all connected regardless of the era we were born, the location in which we reside, the biological sex we wear, or the species we inhabit. We are connected, period.

I’ve had many clients come to me who realized they were in a soul-connected relationship only to find that interpersonal issues weren’t resolved by virtue of this spirit union. Most couldn’t understand how a precious soulmate could inflict harm on its Other. The reality is being connected at very high levels to someone doesn’t automatically impart that the earth consciousness is well-adjusted. In fact, it doesn’t imply anything. Unfulfilled expectations are the result of earthly filters we have applied to a spiritual state of being. In that state several of my clients expressed that they felt they had been given a divine gift and to walk away from it would be a dismissal of their Higher Power. More harrowing for some was the idea that in leaving this soulmate they would karmically forfeit finding another. Changing this belief isn’t just leaving a lover or spouse but is a crisis of faith much the same as realizing one’s chosen religion no longer suffices. For many to turn away from a soulmate, even in extremely abusive situations it feels like going against Nature because we have been programmed to view soul connections through a limited earthly lens. In some cases we have been indoctrinated to put our interpretation of those filters above our own welfare and needs. That inclination is as harmful in unhealthy soulmate relationships as it is insidious in those who feel they have no self-worth without one.

In that light it isn’t the soul connection that is damaging; rather, the way we have been taught to perceive it is. Soul connection at its most basic isn’t about how many we have or how long they last. The soul doesn’t know male or female, or loving one versus loving five, or romantic versus platonic love. It doesn’t even differentiate cat from tree, or son from place. The soul does not know time. All it knows is fluid, expanding compassion and unconditional love for All Things. When we start applying linear constructs to soul connections and spiritual experiences, the experiences become stagnant. Any thriving wisdom they imparted ceases to evolve and grow.

The Celtic concept of “anam cara” is the most fluid understanding of soul bonding that I’ve learned, the “soul friend,” one who simply by being in form reminds us of infinite connection and moves us in the way of growth when we won’t move ourselves. For that reason soulful bonds often create more challenges for us, rather than less. What I see in that dynamic is our power to create ourselves exactly as we want to be in as many ways as we can comprehend. Within that open comprehension and bond with All That Is, would it not be possible to see anyone as a soulmate, if we allowed it?

We live at a time that the rules for how we come into this plane are changing, if they ever were truly static. Perhaps it is our ability to widen our comprehension of the rules that has changed. Years ago a friend said to me, “When you find truth, pick it up. Inspect it carefully, then put it down and walk away.” Truth, like souls, cannot be held. My outlook has been more fluid since I learned this. I have become my metaphor, and in doing so recognize you more freely.

The Power of Moving On

Hi Kelley, My husband and I have been apart since 2004 and I still have no resolution. We have not talked other than him telling me that he will make my life a living hell, and he has done so. He is planning on marrying the woman he left me for in 2010. I still see him on the highway on my way to work. That man was my heart. What happened to make him hate me so? Thanks ~L

Thanks for your note, L. I can’t get core insight about your husband without his permission. I can tell you that from the imagery I see he felt for a long time like a starving, impoverished person, though the circumstances of his despair were self-induced. He is on his own path of creating conflict for himself as a means of learning self-reliance and empowerment. As he treats himself without care, it is no surprise that he would treat you with even less. Consider it beneficial not to be with him any longer, in that regard. How he cares for himself is his choice and his process for this time.

What concerns me is your process. There is great danger in staying locked in a victim mindset over circumstances you can’t change, instead of focusing on the things you can change that will benefit from your attention. It seems that you are steadily giving away your power to many others, leaving little for yourself. Put yourself first. You need to care for and raise your life force now more than ever. If you do not have a regular meditative practice, even if it is visualizing random colors of light moving through and around your body, such will improve your health and your outlook. Finding an energy worker to help you raise your life force–a Reiki master, shaman, holotropic breathwork practitioner… will vastly help you heal your life force, your body, and your heart.

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