Immediately following the birth of my son I had an eclamptic seizure. I had another two hours later, at which point I was medically sedated and put in intensive care for my son’s first night of life. I feel there is a spiritual lesson to be gained from this experience, but I’m having a hard time accessing it. Since then, almost two years ago, I’ve had a difficult time feeling as in-tune spiritually. It’s hard to tell if that’s just new motherhood or tied to the seizures. Any insight would be so helpful! Thank you, E
Thanks for your note, E. I commend you for examining your experience at a deeper level, when new motherhood is already a challenging life change. Seizures and coma are acute experiences of soul separation, or “soul shelving” as I often refer to it. It is natural for aspects of the soul to wander in and out. Through this unconscious travel our consciousness expands. However, sometimes soul aspects that need to return can’t. That’s when chronic imbalance sets in, and is where physical, emotional, and spiritual dis-ease manifests.
When I ask to see the moment of your first seizure from a spiritual perspective I am shown that your body took that moment to show you part of your personal story that you needed to see, but couldn’t see from an earthly vantage point. In that moment I see you in a space between lives, in a very bright golden light, meeting with a maternal feminine presence. I don’t have a feel for who she is or was in your current manifestation, though she is or was in form with you in this manifestation at some point (and others prior). She shares with you how happy she is for you, that she’s been caretaking the soul of your son until he could go to you, and that she would see you again. This was a peaceful exchange that did not get to complete as you needed it to. Perhaps your doctor intervened, or your state of being just didn’t allow you to hold it. There was something more that you needed from that presence and it did not come–something said, a gift given or received, gratitude expressed. An exchange of energy with this presence did not get to happen that you needed to. Being yanked back into your body left you emotionally raw and somewhat etherically super-charged. Despite the joy at sharing with this woman in this space, not getting closure in the exchange on top of the delight of having a new son overwhelmed you. I call these near life experiences. They are akin to being rudely awakened from a great dream, just short of cathartic enlightenment.
When I ask to see the source of the second seizure intense feelings of missing this feminine presence smother me. My feeling is that part of your soul was trying to get back to that place where you met her in the initial seizure. When you found that you couldn’t, a deep emotional shock rippled through your field and stayed with you. In essence, by being so emotionally moved at the first visit, the sadness at not being able to achieve it again took precedence over the joy of the first visit.
I ask to see your life force now and how this experience has manifest for you. You have recovered very well, and have managed to create your life force in a stronger way than it was before motherhood (go you!). I do still see that there is a thread of sadness in clinging to this feminine presence. It’s not a major impediment to you. You are extremely intuitive, devoutly aware and active in the unseen. Yet, there is a perpetual feeling that something is missing, unfinished. Whatever this unfinished business is, it influences your ability to feel like you can healthily and thoroughly pass on your etheric lineage and wisdom to those who come after you. I suspect it also draws on how ancestral wisdom was passed (or not) to you.
However this chapter of your soul’s narrative strikes you, what do you need to say? Even if nothing comes to you that you would say to this feminine presence, in life right now, what do you need to say that you don’t? What is the deepest thing in your heart that you hold back? This is the thing that you need to go back to that space and speak.
In a meditative space, imagine meeting this presence and speak these things. However it forms, let it–even if it’s not like I described. If you don’t feel comfortable approaching it that way, autowrite. Allow that feminine presence to have your nondominant hand for a session, then begin writing. Whatever comes, just write, scribble, even if it doesn’t make sense. Attempt it several times over a few days, making sure to close each session by thanking the presence and flinging your hands, flexing them a bit to get your neurology back to normal. If there is another way that you feel comfortable experiencing a return to this space–ecstatic journey, drawing it in art, journaling–let it come. How you do it is up to you. The need is that you find the way to reconnect with this feminine presence and let her know what you needed to then, as much as now.
Beyond this closure, if feelings related to ancestral lineage not having properly passed to you persist, this is something to look into with a healer. If I can help in any way I would be glad to, E. Dream well.