Why center has changed, what that lack looks like in daily life, and how to adapt well without it.
Kelley, While I enjoy my current job, it has gotten to a stage where I walked out and cannot face returning. I wish I could make a living from my creativity, but that seems like an impossible dream. I don’t want to be trapped in my current situation, but the only place I can go is another dead-end job and they may not tolerate my physical and mental illness. Will I ever be able to follow my own heart-song? Thanks–EJ.
Thanks for your note, EJ. This stage in your growth is about balance, specifically standing solid in your true self across different worlds. The core issue is being able to be your creative self and carry that into other, more linear areas of life. Within you is a belief that you must abandon creativity in order to walk out the door every day, not just regarding day jobs, but to deal with people and life, in general. This belief generates others, such as “I can’t be myself in ___ company,” or “I can’t interact the way I truly want to in ___ situations.”
This duality of living has set up a dynamic in which you compartmentalize your creativity, expressing it in the areas you want to and deem worthy of it, while withholding it from areas you feel don’t deserve it. This divvying up of self hurts.
I see sprawling patterns of submersion into either linear, mundane pursuits, or escapist, colorful art–rarely a peaceful balance between both. One extreme of hardship cannot exist without the other. Lopping off the artful self to survive in the suit world can only lead to approaching creativity as a wildfire escapist pursuit. The result is an antagonistic relationship with the outside world and art, whose creation feels like chopping off one of your limbs. That pattern becomes self-sacrificial, in which your linear life never gets the best of you, thus can’t prosper, and your creative world is locked into acting out the anger of that omission. A push-pull pattern crops up in which these extremes start to feed off of each other and snowball.
Our creativity is our true self, and expressing it must go far beyond breathing it into how we make a living. We can’t turn our true selves off and on situationally and expect them to carry and sustain us. Rationing creativity results in bipolarism of the spirit. Our creativity is also our life force. When we turn it off and on like a spigot, we start to become less and less able to control the valve. This manifests in feeling that we’ve lost our artistic skills, collusion of life dynamics that distract us from creative pursuits, and ever-building animosity toward the areas of life that provide our practical means to be artistic.
Expressing our true selves requires a relationship that must be cultivated, like any other. Your guides show me that building this relationship requires full focus on healing that relationship. Even fun extracurricular activities like studies or travel overtax you right now. Clear expression relies on keeping the filter for the voice as clear as possible. To attempt to make art both your survival and soul jobs before doing this healing will only strain the voice further. There is a deep need to delve in and remember art for art’s sake, and in doing so rekindle the relationship with your true self.
Of course you can’t cloister yourself away from the world to do this healing, though you can greet Life with the agreement that healing comes first. Healing the fatigue and resentment that has built up from compartmentalizing yourself will improve your worldview as well as your self-view, your art, and your means of earning a living. By bringing your creative originality and authenticity into every aspect of your life as an ongoing personal spiritual practice, it will just be there in times that you need it to carry you. Sparse times will become far fewer.
Can you make a living through the expression of your heartsong? Yes. The trick is beginning to express your heartsong no matter what, through absolutely everything you do, right now, so that the job that can honor your creativity can come.
In a culture in which more is better and excess is revered, the ramifications of consumerist decadence on spiritual wellbeing are pervasive. The urge to overconsume is everywhere. Try finding a unit price of a single item that is cheaper than buying in bulk. Economic considerations aside, the commercial appeal to the baser hunter-gatherer mentality always pushes, “Why have one when you can have three?!” Value meals, bulk household supplies, combo insurance premiums, BOGO clothing … You name it, we bloat it, then encourage all our friends to join in. We over eat, we over consume, we overspend, frequently all at once.
True to capitalist form, when we identify such a cultural dilemma we not only exploit it, we make it entertainment. Obesity, hoarding, and clutter litter prime time slots on network programming. Ironically, we sit on our couches and tune in to watch other people lose weight on NBC’s “The Biggest Loser.” TLC hosts the reality television show “Hoarding — Buried Alive,” programming that precariously peers into the lives of those who not only can’t stop over-consuming, but can’t throw away evidence of it. Animal Planet raises the bar higher, presenting “Confessions: Animal Hoarding,” delving into the lives of people who keep pets as possessions, often to the detriment of owner and animal. The trend has even caught on in contemporary fiction. To be released next year, “Coveted” by Shawntelle Madison, is the first installment of an urban fantasy literary series about a female werewolf hoarder. To date, the main character is a werewolf who hoards holiday knickknacks.
It’s easy to look at these extreme examples of overconsumption and believe that these people are different, they are ill, unlike us. What does that judgment say about our culture, over all? We consider excess a cultural right, perhaps even a means to greater social mobility. Having more stuff fills our needs, right? If that’s true, why, then, do we see the pattern of overconsumption and clutter creating immobility, and how does that stagnancy affect us spiritually?
Individuals who overeat, over-consume and hoard may be poorly balanced spiritually, even energetically. The etheric field is comprised of the body, the chakra system, the body’s meridians, and the subtly perceivable electrical and ethereal space around the whole works. What we call life force (chi, ki or prana, depending on your cultural influence)is an electrical force that moves smoothly throughout the etheric field when we’re healthy, connecting us with the etheric fields of others, of the planet, etc. When we’re not well, the flow of life force gets out of balance; thus, we don’t connect so well with our environment. We start to lack energy.
Looking specifically at the chakra system — seven or more primary energy bridges roughly visualized along the spine — we can see and measure our stages of development in the formed world. Roughly speaking, our upper spiritual chakras allow us to connect into the soul realm; thus, they connect us with our spiritual purpose. The lower earth chakras root us into the nature realm, giving us the tools to manifest our purpose. When chakra imbalance manifests in overactive Earth chakras and under-active spiritual chakras this state indicates more energy is devoted to material “stuff” than to tapping into the soul’s needs.
The imbalance can also occur the other way. An overactive crown and under-active root indicates too much emphasis on escapist dreaming of spiritual plans, leaving us without the motivation to actually enact them. When we fall out of etheric balance, we generally don’t feel well emotionally, physically or both, and our lives stagnate. We care less about taking care of ourselves and our space. In short, when we stagnate life goes on, literally and figuratively piling up around us. Clutter without mirrors the clutter within. In our ideal state of divining our spiritual needs and bringing them into being, we’re healthy, connected to our space, and balance our consumption according to true need.
Another spiritual factor influencing the drive to overconsume is commonly called soul loss, or what I think of as “soul shelving.” When we suffer a trauma from which we feel we aren’t moving on, the shamanic narrative interprets that state as a facet of the soul having become inaccessible. Everyone experiences soul loss at some point, as it is a natural state of healing and growth. When we need access to that soul aspect and can’t reconnect with it problems arise, such as chronic patterns of depression, distress in relationships and in fulfilling personal obligations. If soul “loss” isn’t recognized for the spiritual lack that it is, we attempt to fill ourselves with anything that will temporarily make us feel alive. In a compromised spiritual state, it’s too easy to think that we can buy happiness. Superficial filling distances us emotionally from what we don’t want to deal with. What we can’t feel, we can’t heal.
Eve Ensler shared similar insight on emotional filling and its dissociating effect on the state of her health in a recent presentation “Suddenly, my body.” Her story expresses the epitome of the common belief, “If I ignore it and fill myself with something else, it will go away.” It didn’t for Ensler. It doesn’t for anyone. When we examine such stagnancy through the lens of soul loss, we become able to integrate our power into a focused, functioning drive toward wellness in our personal lives.
In an animistic worldview, all things are connected. What, then, is the collective soul price? The immediate impact lies in the earth, itself. Disregard for the self reflects disregard for the environment. In his book, “Green Psychology: Transforming Our Relationship to the Earth,” Ralph Metzner describes that interconnectedness as resulting in ecocide. Modernized humans, by virtue of how we live, are at war with Nature. The trash from living lavishly has to be discarded in some ocean, some forest. The resources to supply our demand have to be extracted from some precious naturescape. By harming the planet we’re harming ourselves, and vice versa. On a level closer to home, we look again at the etheric field, through which every thing is connected. What we don’t heal in ourselves we pass on to others. It shows up in our relationships, our children, our work performance. It affects how we live in the space around us, how we treat ourselves and others. Our obligation to heal our spiritual wounds lies not only with ourselves but to every thing.
Promising is the fact that within that connection lies the power to heal over-consumption and clutter. When we begin to declutter our lives, we create a domino effect of wellness. By becoming mindful of our own living style, we can stop the cycle of excess. We become aware of what we need versus what we want. We become aware of others’ needs. In that awareness we take better care of our surroundings and learn to foster their health, as well. When we make peace with the state of our physicality, we unearth the sources of emotional and spiritual needs and we begin the journey to heal them. We start to feel empowered. When we feel better we incorporate better living patterns for ourselves, our health improves, and we raise the life force of every thing. In that union, how we choose to live in our personal lives and space truly does affect the life force of All Things.
Bless us all with radiant wellbeing by taking exquisite care of yourself.
Kelley, I’m at a crossroads. Do I leave my role as a nun and go back to laylife, or stay in the robes going it alone, or continue to stay in this monastery? Thanks, Isabella.
Thanks for your note, Isabella. The overarching impression that I have is you are craving an experience of the Divine that is not above you, but includes you. This need feels like a departure from the cosmology that is presented in your current dwelling, a shift that has contributed to your unrest in that space. I applaud you for realizing that you need a change, and that you are willing to do what you need to feel balanced in yourself. You are very connected into All Things and are at peace with that spiritual bond. You want more expression of it and a way to experience it that puts you in new spaces, new energy, new movement. “Movement” is the keyword. Your life force is very healthy and thriving, but it’s very close to your body. This state is neither good nor bad. When we need to be insular, we hold our life force close. When we need to connect and share, we expand it outward. Where you have been living has required you to keep your life force close as a means of connecting with the Divine. You have mastered relating to the Divine in this way. You are ready to extend your life force into new experiences and spaces, and to find Divinity in new ways. For you to meet this need you must gradually extend your life force out, as well as physically relocate.
My overall feeling is that you have gone as far as you can in personal and spiritual development at this monastery. Staying there past this point will dull the gifts you bring it. Whether you remain in robes or completely step away from the identity you have created as a nun is your choice. Your thirst for knowledge and connecting with the Divine in everything is leading you into the world in a new way, and tells me that you will never be a layman at anything you do.
Be well, Isabella.
Kelley, after a long struggle the man I’ve been always attached to finally made the big step – he left his family and we are now officially a couple. I am now worried that he will treat me as he did his ex-wife. He is very flirty and needs lots of attention. I have started being jealous, something I never was before. What shall I do? He says I am his love and that he will spend the rest of his life with me. Can I trust him? Does he really love me? He is a Capricorn and I am an Aquarius. Many thanks from good old Europe. -MM.
Thank you for your note, MM. My feeling about this relationship is that you had doubts regarding his fidelity before he left his family to be with you. Your hunch was spot-on. This man loves you. He’s a good guy. He is as committed to you as he can be, but I don’t feel that he’s wired for monogamy. I don’t know if that encompasses emotional or physical monogamy–they are not necessarily the same thing. Some people aren’t wired for one, the other, or both, and that fact doesn’t negate that they can be deeply in love and maintain committed relationships. In fact, my feeling is that he very much loves the security of a relationship, despite his need to always feel that he is continually falling in love. In the polyamory community that is called NRE – New Relationship Energy. I am doing this Reading for you, so beyond that one observation of him I can’t comment on his intuitive motivations. From a matter-of-fact standpoint, I can tell you that some people thrive on that early stage of a relationship and constantly seek to start over to sustain that feeling. Where he falls on that spectrum I don’t know, but it is something for you to consider.
That you are both energetically different is highly relevant. You are group oriented, in that you enjoy a sense of moving and combining with another or other energies to some common outcome. You see this as a point of bonding and a way for individual life force to remain unique yet join forces with a greater energy pool. He has the same overall need for collective interaction, but where you see yourself merging with a life force that becomes bigger and bigger, he sees himself as a hub that moves between different energy pools. I can see how that important yet subtle distinction may be lost among what are otherwise compatible attributes.Again, I can’t read him. I can’t tell you if he is trustworthy because I don’t know your definition of trust. This is the point at which your dialogue with him has to shift from, “Can I trust you?” to “What is your definition of commitment?” From “Are you attracted to that other woman?” to “What parameters can we agree upon are appropriate for expressing attraction to another person?” These often seem like questions that have assumed, if not intuitive answers, but they don’t. We don’t all have the same definition of ‘commitment’, or ‘flirting’, or ‘appropriate behaviour.’ In the majority of relationships these are the very questions that were not asked until someone had already been hurt. I highly recommend reading Brad Blanton’s Radical Honesty – How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth. Blanton encourages you to tell the truth in expressing your needs, but also expresses how to deal healthily with a loved one who doesn’t. Do not let your expectations remain unspoken. You have to be willing to ask these and other questions on your heart, and convey to him that you want to hear the truth, not what he thinks you want to hear. Likewise, you have to be prepared to accept what he tells you as his truth, and be prepared to act in accordance with your own.
Be well, MM.
I’m at crossroads, and feel as if I soon will “take flight.” I recently realized that I’ve been spending my energies in an effort to be everything to everybody, but left myself off the list. One of my current quests is to discover myself and learn how to take care of myself. I’ve had a long-standing battle with my weight. I now have an awareness of my habits, what is good for me, how I comfort and punish myself with food, etc., yet I continue to choose to eat in a way that keeps the weight on. Can you offer any insight into my apparent need for this weight and how I might move past this to heal and be healthy?
Thank You! Faith
Thanks for your note, Faith. Eating is a grounding experience. In fact, after very intense trance work, eating a healthy protein is a good way to feel back in the body, to feel energetically stable again. In this case, eating has the effect of downward movement of life force in the chakra system, enabling you to root the knowledge from the trance into your formed awareness, and to feel physically balanced with your etheric field. What I’m seeing is that somewhere at the onset of puberty, you began feeling radical shifts in your life force that felt very uncomfortable. The way that you sought to feel stable in your body was to eat.
Puberty isn’t just biochemical changes. It is in essence a spiritual crisis. It’s the point at which we are coming into command of our spiritual wills, and our parents can no longer be our primary intermediary with All That Is, as we experience it in the formed realm. There is a lot of activity in the chakras at this point, choices being made around compassion for self and others, as well as burgeoning awareness of one’s sexual presence and ability to express sexual truth in the tribe and community. Our culture doesn’t include this aspect of puberty in how we help young people cope with it, and it most definitely doesn’t understand how to usher these changes into a balanced manifestation of Selfhood. It’s not a coincidence that kids who have been easy going and respectful suddenly become rebellious and/or frequently emotionally distraught.When I ask to see the source of your need to hold this weight, I see you at the age of puberty (which happened earlier for you than for most), and your etheric field is fluttering, winding in on itself, sending off sparks. I do feel that there was some event in younger childhood, the deeper relevance of which didn’t sink in until puberty. I don’t get a vivid idea of what this was; rather, I have the vague sense that you observed someone else being hurt and did not have the words to express or explain what you saw. When you hit puberty, along with the normal changes it brings, you realized the harm you witnessed and it fueled the already wild energetic ride of your maturation process. I do not see that the realization of this event is connected to the weight, just that the timing of processing it and your etheric field being erratic coincided. The result of the changes in your field compelled you to find a way to control them, or to at least ease the effects of how those changes made you feel. You were a very intuitive child, and for that reason the effects of this energy shift were very debilitating. You did not have the emotional capacity to deal with all of the information coming in at that time. A way to dull that sensation was to eat, particularly sugar. Sugar unbalances the upper chakras, especially the crown. It creates a quasi-trancelike state, but the ravages of sugar on brain chemistry keep you from being able to draw meaning from the trance. It’s like inducing an altered state of awareness and being visited by the most profound wisdom you could ever want to know in your life, but because the etheric and physiological systems are out of sync from the sugar, you can’t recall any of that wisdom when you ground again. You felt this way repeatedly growing up. As soon as you would start to feel that anxious tweaking of your life force, you would eat to stabilize it. This pattern has persisted into adulthood.
Many people cultivate ways to quell spiritual emergency. It feels so distressing that we are willing to believe we’ve suddenly gone mad, and the only way most of us know to deal with it is to seek medical help. Some doctors and therapists understand spiritual emergency, but many don’t. They end up prescribing antidepressants or diagnosing stigma-inducing mental conditions that are really part of a process of spiritual maturation. This doesn’t mean that symptomatic relief is bad, or that you shouldn’t seek support or help from others. It means we are holistic creatures, and we crave holistic support. The thing is, developing a coping skill–any coping skill-to stave off etheric changes is also going to prevent you from the benefits of those changes. We need support to move forward through that process, so that the symptoms we don’t like can come to a true end, so that the coping means we’ve adapted to ease the tension in shifting life force can be released, and so that we can manifest that changed life force in a healthy, powerful, lasting way.
Sit with this info and see how it resonates. If you feel compelled to greet that life force now, enlist the support of friends who understand your spiritual perspective and the help of caregivers from all sides of the holistic spectrum to help you allow it in and manifest it. You are an adult now. Your fears of having more than you can handle coming in spiritually and intuitively can be released. And if you do feel panic around this shift, make use of that support network. Remember to tell your guides you need them to slow down and take things more gently. You are in control of the transitions you make in life, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. When you feel the groundedness of your own life force, you won’t need food to provide that for you anymore.
Thank you, Faith, for doing this reading. It’s been really nice to meet you.