Dear Kelley, I am writing with great anxiety, pain, and desperation because of a deep sense of loss and sadness and affection, of which I cannot make sense. I have found myself feeling very attached to a man I met briefly a few months ago, and with whom I have kept in contact online. Since meeting him I have felt so powerfully drawn, and deep pain in my heart in ways I have not felt ever before. We live in opposite sides of the world, different lives, etc. Part of me wants to somehow break ‘free’ from this, yet I feel as though I am being punished. Any advice, guidance would be deeply appreciated. Many thanks in advance, Liz.
Thanks for your note, Liz. When I ask to see the dynamic between yourself and this man, I’m taken to a familiar place. I tend to see how people organize their lives as sand drawings along a coastal shoreline. When I examine yours, it loops and scrawls spiraling back on themselves in a jumble, and this man is a dark tower in the distance. No trail in the sand leads to the tower. The proxy of you who stands with me on the shore is experiencing a great deal of anxiety and stress around finding a straight line in the sand, yet she just keeps doubling back to where she starts.
My sense of that image is the unfulfillment of this relationship is connected to a perceived pattern of wanting things you can’t have. It isn’t at all about whether the relationship will work, if there’s a connection, or how the two of you are connected. It’s about an internalized dynamic for you, that says, “Anything I really want is clearly out of my reach. Anything that feels good to me must be unobtainable.” The obstacles you perceive in distance and life are real. However, the angst around them is being exacerbated by these beliefs, which came long before this man was in your life. They feel like unconscious patterns that have been with you for a long time, and to varying degrees, manifest a sense of not getting what you want in other life areas, as well.
Focusing on the romantic desires will derail you from releasing these beliefs. Clarify if you really want to work on the source of these feelings. If so, I suggest doing some releasing work around them, and possibly soul retrieval to locate and learn more about your personal power in discerning what you want at a deep level, and learning to create life around having it. If you are comfortable doing distance work, I’m available for that, and if you want to find someone close to you to work with, I may know someone who can do just that.
My best to you, Liz.
If you have a life challenge that you’d like insight on, or questions about everyday shamanism, contact Kelley.