Relationship Homework

Dear Kelley, I am 41, divorced 4 years. I was only IN love once before, and he died without me ever telling him. Until 2 years ago I never had those feelings for anyone else. I met a man whom I couldn’t get out of my mind since the first hello. He is married, though a year ago we gave in to our desires and have fallen in love. He has a home life similar to the one I left. Am I waiting and believing in vain? Part of me feels like I’m dying each time he walks away, knowing he is going “home”. I need strength to let him go, or faith to hold on for what I believe would be the kind of love most people only dream of. I feel so alone…. Becky

Hi Becky, and thank you for your note. You are still very much attached to this first love who died. I don’t see this as an attachment to him, per se, but more to how wonderful YOU felt about yourself in having such a deep connection with him. This was a time in your life in which you felt more alive than ever, and you thrived in that light. Literally, aspects of you blossomed that had not experienced the right conditions to prior. When I ask your guides about this, I see you standing on an empty beach. You are the only sign of life for miles, by land, air or sea. You stand there for what seems a long time, then I see you dig up your personal effects (some of which are related to this former love) and move on to another space. This scene is very much about you moving into a space and wanting to make connections, yet you do not divulge the deeper parts of yourself. You bury them for safekeeping. The pattern is quite logical for the loss you felt when this man died. However, it is that act of holding out for the conditions to be exactly as you want them to that leaves you “taking your playthings home.” Not to suggest that you shouldn’t create the place in your life to have exactly the love you want and need, but that place has to be created by SHARING your Authentic Self, not by hoarding it until certain criteria are met. Cos in truth, holding back in any fashion in matters of love and truth is not your Authentic Self.

I really don’t see that this lull in your current relationship is due to the love interest not making a decision about what HE wants. In fact, that is a very small factor in the overall dynamic. From what I am seeing, even for this new deep love you have not fully put yourself out there, still burying your most amazing qualities. I understand your reluctance to do so given the status of things. You are waiting for him to make a move so that you can then step out as your radiant Self. You are giving up the ability (control) to just step out and be who are you to a man who cannot make that choice for himself. You and he are in your own ways not choosing to move forward in this relationship. He doesn’t want to deal with getting out of his marriage, and since the death of this other love, you have become afraid to voice true feelings, to live true intent. Regardless of your reasons, energetically, it is still holding back. The relationship, no matter how strong your feelings are for each other, will collapse under this kind of stagnancy. Someone has to make a move, and that will be you. Don’t get me wrong–no excuses for him. He has created his own karma to be dealt with in this, and in his own time he will do just that. I do see him as being your significant partner in this life. The energy between you is very balanced and complementary. I can’t tell you what he’s going to do or when, about his legal relationship, obligations or his obvious guilt about it all. What I can tell you is that you have to be willing to rise up in who you are, and live her when your hands feel most tied. You want to feel the vitality in yourself that you felt with the first love. A vast part, if not all of that elation was coming from living in the present, in your truth, even if you did not get to share it at the level that you wanted to. You have to reconnect with that precious life force, and you have to realize that you no longer have to stifle any part of who you are, or your feelings. You can say it out loud. You can give it power. You are not here to hide your True Self. Remember that we do not love on the basis of what may be, but on what is. You have to love this guy now, and not “some day” or “when”. This is something he is learning as much as you are, and your ability to rise up will be a great teacher to him. You can choose not to teach him anything; rather, you can stand in your truth and decide you can’t tolerate the current status anymore. It is an option. I encourage you to allow the lovely parts of you to come to light, no matter what the situation is with him, and see for yourself what you really want. The possibility of a loving life with him is there. Hold the love you feel for him against this amazing treasure you’ve retrieved from within yourself. Do they coexist well NOW? Do they build each other NOW? It is in that balance that you find your answers for where this relationship is going. You will have to do that homework before you know. Be well, Becky!