Death Opens Doorways
Dear Kelley, My husband died a little over a year ago. He was ill but his death was unexpected and was very traumatic for me and our daughters. Our marriage had been strained for many years before his death and now I am dealing with some guilt issues even though my conscious mind knows that I was not the only one to blame for our marriage problems. I had an on again, off again affair with a man for about 5 years. When I first met this man, I fell in love with him at first sight. He does not have the same feelings for me and never has. We e-mailed each other several times and he acted like he was still interested in maintaining our “friendship” . I told him to just come right out and tell me that it was over so I could get some closure. He said nothing. I feel like I have lost two men that I love at once, not to mention feeling like a fool. I just don’t know how to get over this. Heartbroken and Lost
Thank you for your note, H & L. I am met by your High Self, who feels somewhat distanced from you right now. She tells me that this is not the time that I can help reconnect the two of you, and that the man with whom you have been involved off and on is very much into drama with women. He gets something out of pulling their emotional chains, so to speak, and it’s a pattern he has carried through many relationships, including his current one. I also see that he is manifesting heart-related health problems from his actions. I inquire about how you became entwined in his drama pattern, but your High Self redirects me to talk with your husband, who is really angry. The upper right side of his body and part of his head are completely black, indicating blocks and wounds, and he is railing at me. After we have a few words he calms down to a very level place, where he expresses being very sad at how things turned out between you, taking responsibility for his part in the outcome. He tells me that he wasn’t very emotionally present for you for a long time, and is very apologetic about it. He says, “There was a time when I could just walk away from anything to be with her, but I let myself become too involved with how badly things were going.” In other words, he reached a point that he would rather have the control over and comfort of sickness than to confront the direction of things in your relationship. Doing so would have challenged him to deal with insecurities that he just didn’t want to own. He shows me some long-standing emotional issues that he apparently buried deeply, and never really talked about with anyone in detail. The combination of his illness and the divergence of your paths were sort of chicken-and-egg, where his emotional wounds were concerned. It’s hard to tell the real origin, or which struck the hardest. Suffice it to say, he had a whole other world going on inside that he just wasn’t willing to deal with interpersonally. In a way, your forthrightness to have an affair was sort of courageous to him, because you at least tried to externally make some waves of change where he was unwilling. You are right to realize that his issues are not yours to carry. How he dealt with issues in his life was his choice. He really shut down after a while, and left you and your daughters fairly alone. After telling me these things, your husband goes into the setting sun very easily, not entirely at peace with his issues and the events of his life, but completely at peace with beginning that process. He has moved on in the best sense one can.
It’s time for you to do the same, in every part of your life possible. An aspect of you comes then, who is weeping. She’s also really pissed off. While there is the sense of having lost two dear loves at once, there is also the sense of having given up a huge amount of her power to these men who did not give much back. She goes up for healing very easily, and returns with seemingly quite a bit of conviction to live well. Her message to you is to “live the life she thinks she can’t have”. The catch is, you have to do this consciously; conscientiously. It’s not going to just happen. This aspect of yourself, and I feel many other aspects, guides and spiritual allies, are completely at your disposal to assist you in doing that. You really need to establish a strong committed practice of spiritual acknowledgement of yourself, most specifically, and the world around you, as well as learn to interact with these spiritual allies. However you pray or meditate-now’s the time to brush up on some new skills and insights in that department. The constricting bubble you feel is your life is self-imposed at this point. Set the intention to step out of it, even if it means releasing loved ones in your path whose choices keep you from yourself. There is nothing and no one in your way right now. The wounds of your heart are already healing. The life you want really is out there for you, with your soul, to find. You shall soon see that you are already here. Be well!